Confined Space

Junk Food Analogy

2011-09-19T00:21:00.002+12:00

Let's take junk food.

It's not good for you. Yet you continue to eat it.
You know by continuing you're only really causing pain to yourself and eventually the people around you.
How can something so good be so bad?
But yet, you continue.

And so you've moved on and been eating all that other 'healthy' food.
It's blander, not as interesting but in the eyes of other people, its good for you.
But really, you're quickly getting bored of it and in your spare time you wonder what its like to have that junk food again.
How can something so good be so bad?
But you know by going back its only really going to cause more pain again.

How do you make the right choice?
Life choice.

Hiatus

2011-08-18T21:51:00.006+12:00

So by popular demand (1 post asking for it), I'm posting again.

The thing is, it is always going to be sporadic as I don't always have an opinion to make really.

Anyway, I digress.

I'm not really an arrogant person. I believe if you ask anybody that knows me they wouldn't say I have an overly cocky personality.

Now I do these night classes. And I've been doing them for 2 semesters now, breezing relatively easily through them.

Now I do kind of have an advantage. Similar to if you've been playing tennis for your entire life and then decide to switch over to.... squash. Same thing but different.

But I think my undercover overconfidence has only really aided me so far and this new class I'm doing I'm struggling. It's like I've been playing amateur tennis against blind monkeys my whole life and now swapped to professional squash.

It's a bit of a self-esteem deflator.

The thing is I've never really been like this. I've never really been "in it to win it". But now lately I've noticed everything has become a competition. It's not that I'm striving for something higher but more like competing to down-trod someone else.

I think I might actually need to get down and do some work...

Nothing

2011-03-06T00:46:00.004+13:00

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet

They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'm never
Only they can’t see where this is gonna end
They all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing

So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if I faced her face, that she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting, she'll take me back for sure

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing

She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

Ohh, sometimes love's intoxicating
Ohh, you're coming down, your hands are shaking
When you realize there's no one waiting

Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her

And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around

And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing

She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
I got nothing
I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Ohh I got nothing

I got nothing
I got nothing
I got nothing

Memory

2011-01-24T21:31:00.004+13:00

A while back I tried to get one of my friends to go somewhere but he never gave me a good reason why he didn't want to come.

He'd never been or anything, just didn't want to go.

I ended going without him but eventually got him to explain why he didn't go.

It was because he didn't want the place to be associated with that 'feeling'.

Something like he wanted the place to be special and that the first time be at least memorable and a choice of his own.

Now I scoffed at that when I first heard it. Silly I thought.

But I think I get it now.

I mean, I have so many places now I wouldn't even consider going to anymore just coz of the memories it will bring back or just not wanting to be there.

It just the memory of the place is so inhibiting, it's hard to believe that just a feeling it enough to stop a person from doing something.

I remember I said at the time, "You can just replace the memory".

But you can't really... It just goes against a memory's meaning, it's meant to last, stick to the mind.

What Is Love?

2010-10-18T22:26:00.007+13:00

No, I don't mean that song.

I just mean in general. I heard somewhere a different take on things that's kinda new to me.

Be prepared, it gets kinda sappy.

I'm used to love being an emotion, a feeling you have for someone or something.

I think I mentioned a while back, it's like a chemical reaction.

A 'thing'.

But what if all it was, was hard work?

An 'action'. All it was was what you did to make it work, the effort exerted just for a happy existence.

It's not the same as attraction though. Attraction is what you feel for someone, the initial pull you get towards someone, the irrepressible urge to think about someone, the desire, lust, longing for something.

You can be attracted to someone but not love them and you can also love someone but not be attracted to them.

It makes sense though, you fall in love with someone which means you've just gotten over the initial attraction and starting to work past that to 'love'.

It's actually kind of a sad analogy for love, making it into just some arbitrary actions, dispelling the mystery, removing the romance.

Yet I still thought about it.

Maybe all we needed was hard work.

Fallacy of Fate

2010-09-14T22:08:00.015+12:00

I think I've gone over this before... dejavu really.

I was reading an article going on about a theory saying that fate is not really being a set of coincidental events where the 'stars all line up for you' but are a random occurrence of events we clump together to make it seem like it.

Funnily enough it's called the Texas Sharpshooter Fallacy.

Basically Fate is just randomness with meaning put on top by humans.

The idea is that 'meaning' itself is a human creation, a message we interpret to what we want when really there isn't anything of significance.

What should be random is given meaningless meaning by a subjective third party trying to conform a random group of events into what may seem like destiny.

So is there really no such thing as a coincidence? Is the universe not working for you, helping you pass that exam, helping you get that job, helping you get that girl?

All it's doing is randomly spurting events, left right centre.

Logic takes the fun out of everything.

Grudge Match

2010-09-12T11:18:00.004+12:00

I should have said something when we saw each other.

I should have absolutely let loose. But it was cordial.

I had it all planned in my head but it seems nothing really goes to plan.

Why can't I follow through?

I am still angry about it.

Maybe I'm upset that the other side seems to have been affected so little.

Did it only ever mean something to me?

Quarter Life Crisis Redux

2010-08-09T22:28:00.008+12:00

It was two good friend's wedding on Saturday.

All in all a good day except for the rain and the mud on my shoes and pants.

Funny how the best memory I had of the day was actually the setting up and cleaning up of the hall. Odd.

It's a nice feeling when everyone just comes together and get something done.

And damn... was it a big something to do.

Seating, decorations, tables, cutlery, drinks, food, CAKE.

8 STOREYS OF CAKE.

Congrats guys, it was a great day and I got to wear my suit, win win for everyone.

But come Sunday I hit some crazy bout of depression.

Well more like a realisation.

You know how your life is marked by major events?

It seems like I'm hitting that stage of life when everyone has a purpose.

Get married, buy a house, focus on career. Whatever it is, there's something there.

Well it usually seems like at these times when you hit these periods, you stop, take stock and just think about 'stuff'.

That's what I did.

And my inventory was low.

What have I got to my name?

If I were to die today, what would everyone remember me by?

What a waste.

Alien Language

2010-07-14T23:32:00.002+12:00

So I've changed the format of the site again.

It doesn't seem to cooperate with my pics.

Also, the website seems to be... abit buggy when I try to make those comics, so that might just be a ... wasted venture.

I went to Chinese class tonight.

It was the first class I've been to for about a year now.

My heart was racing everytime I was asked a question coz I had no idea what I was doing. I knew all that stuff, I just didn't remember it. It is slowly making its way back.

Funny thing though, I couldn't get French out of my head.

Every time I was asked a question, I was thinking of the French equivalent.

Why oh why.

Fancy

2010-07-08T23:30:00.001+12:00

Doom and Gloom

2010-07-01T23:58:00.003+12:00

Do you think when we try to deter something from happening, we are inadvertently giving it a chance to happen?

Say you keep telling someone to not smoke, but in the end you're just driving the image of smokes into someones head which could make them just do it in the end.

This whole kinda reverse psychology thing.

Are we ultimately dooming ourselves in trying to protect ourselves?

Circle of Life

2010-06-25T00:40:00.005+12:00

So.

You're born.

You learn to talk.

You learn to walk.

You go to school.

You go to high school.

You go to university.

You get a job.

You get a partner.

You get married.

You have kids.

You retire.

You die.

Have I really narrowed down the standard life to about a dozen lines?

I don't know if its built into me or if its been ingrained into me...

Quarter life crisis

2010-06-02T22:44:00.006+12:00

I couldn't sleep last night.

I just lay in bed rolling around, very timidly, because I only can lie in a certain position or it'll hurt/numb my right leg.

Ha funny what I've become.

Anyway, I usually can't sleep for no reason.

But last night was odd. My mind was racing.

It was such retarded thoughts as well. Like where I'm going to park the next day, what's on my to-do list, really mundane stuff like that.

What have I become?

If I look back just 5 years even, life was very different.

I've been working for about 2.5 years now.

2.5 years.

That's like 10% of my life. Doesn't this worry anyone?

Time seems to go so fast yet so slow at the same time.

I think I'm going through a quarter-life crisis.

Its been a while since I haven't been able to sleep.

100m Dash

2010-05-27T23:06:00.003+12:00

When you're walking down the street behind someone but they're walking slightly slower than what you are, what do you do?

Do you pick up speed and try and overtake or do you just stay behind and slow down?

Do you try and speed up to a speed that makes you look like your about to start running passed them?

But what happens when you pass them. You slow down. But what if you walk too slow for them? Do they overtake? Are they allowed to?

Is there a walking etiquette? Some sort of guidelines to follow?

I'm full of questions today.

The Reversing Truck

2010-05-26T22:59:00.006+12:00

You know how when a truck is backing up, it makes that 'beep beep' noise so you don't die from being crushed?

It was the first time I heard it here but in Japan, backing trucks make a ... jingle and then a lady repeats some warning, probably saying 'Move your ass'.

I called her Jessica, she sounded like a Jessica.

I was really surprised when I heard that today.

Someone was talking to me at the time and I kinda just froze and forgot about them.

My mind then just replayed past events.

I remember when I was back in Japan where I was staying, every morning there would be some truck (mini truck I mean, Japan didn't have any vehicles bigger than an Echo) that would be doing something outside.

Like clockwork.

Cleaning the gardens?

Refilling the surprisingly busy vending machine outside?

Joyriding?

Whatever they were doing, all I heard was Jessica's soothing and polite voice telling me to move my ass while I lay in bed.

Actually you heard her voice everywhere since every truck seemed to have her installed in.

All over town.

Jessica must be making a killing from commission from using her voice.

She must've insured her voice box.

Go Jessica.

I'm waiting for you to win that contract to oust the movie guy doing voice overs.

Funny how a single sound just completely and suddenly takes you back.

Funny how a single sound can spawn a blog post.

What to do

2010-05-25T22:39:00.005+12:00

I feel like 90% of my time is working.

If I'm not physically doing it, my mind is on it.

If I'm not thinking about it, probably means I'm already working on it.

With that other 10% of my time I was clearing up rubbish from my computer.

I came across this photo.

Brought back memories. Also kinda puts me a more ease.

Calms me.

Black Blur

2010-05-09T23:14:00.002+12:00

I've been seeing alot of black blurs out of my peripheral vision recently for some reason.

It's been at random places really, nothing consistent at all. Once I was sitting in my car waiting for someone at night and I see it to my right but when I turned to face it, I saw nothing.

Few other times I've seen it during the day just in malls or at home.

It's just this... black thing, it kinda moves around on the spot for a while and when you look at it, it disappears.

Yes, I figured it could be like a bush moving in the wind or something but there's usually nothing there when I look... so hard to say really.

I remember reading about this a while back and a common theory is that of "Shadow People".

Some sort of paranormal activity where these 'entities' appear and disappear as quickly as they come. I think back in the olden days they were thought to be demons that fed off fear and lived in the darkness.

Creepy.

I think I'm just tired but just writing about this is kinda giving me shivers down my spine.

Maybe I'm going crazy.

I think thats more plausible and probably even a better option.

No, I'm tired.

If not us, who? If not now, when?

2010-04-12T22:43:00.010+12:00

So it's been like a month since I last posted.

I tend to make a comment about my previous posts at the beginning. Habit much?

It's been a busy month, what can I say.

Work has been busy and in general everything hasn't really been... quiet.

In my spare time I've been doing way too much thinking.

Like Fate. What is it?

destiny: an event (or a course of events) that will inevitably happen in the future

Thats the definition. Something that it set to happen.

How does that make much sense though. Is everything all pre-determined?

I'd like to think not. That just means there's no such thing as fate.

But then there are things that happen that question this. Events which just seem way too coincidental to have been just a random event.

Action and consequence. Surely that's how everything happens.

Or randomly.

How has my life been action and consequence?

“Temper gets you into trouble. Pride keeps you there.”

2010-03-18T22:10:00.006+13:00

I don't know.

I think I almost pride myself on being someone who's logical, someone who makes decisions based on information rather than emotion.

But I'm actually far from it.

I'm actually way too emotional that I really should be. I got pissy at a friend because of where they went to eat and the queue there as well as work just getting me down.

So I then decided to go to a place which was worse and had a queue.

And you call that logical?

Maybe too proud to be wrong?

Left for Walkers, Right for Runners

2010-03-14T22:10:00.007+13:00

So I did the Round the Bays today.

I'm actually surprised I ran as much as I did. I ran all the way from the start till about Mission Bay before stopping and to me, that's impressive.

Yes I did stop a few times and walked but that was expected.

I'm actually kinda proud of myself although I do feel wasted now.

It's really quite funny how such a big event with like... 70000 (?) participants causes you to run into alot of people that you didn't think you would see again.

Especially so early in the morning.

I'm really impressed with some companies though like Telecom, Westpac and ASB.

I'm sure they got hundreds of people each by looking at the bbq area's.

Really impressive.

So it seems the next step is the half marathon.

Training's on.

Kiddy Table

2010-03-07T22:27:00.003+13:00

I went to my mum's bosses grand daughters first month's birthday dinner last night.

Apparently the seating arrangement is done so that there is a 'centre' table containing the immediate family etc and if you're further away from the 'centre' table, you have less 'link' to the centre table e.g. more distant friends etc.

We sat on the second table which confused me but they see us as family so that's cool.

I didn't know 99.5% of the people there (there was about... 12 tables of 10 people each) but I could tell there were 'adult' tables and 'kiddy' tables.

You know, the table where all the kids sit so they don't bug the parentals.

In my family I think I've graduated to the adults table. But I don't like this, I'd rather be on the kids table. But is this my choice? It seems like just one day you're put there haha.

By the way, seems like I was on the kids table last night.

I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine

2010-03-04T21:52:00.004+13:00

I was cycling through the CD's in my car and I hit this song.

This song came out sometime in 2004, my second year of uni.

If I remember correctly it was abit of a rough patch in life and this song just came from nowhere.

It's odd when you haven't heard a song for... 5ish years, when you do hear it again after so long, how the emotions just stir and go back to 2004.

Is this weird?

So we've put an end to it this time.

I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.

You said this hill looks far too steep

If I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.

And it's been ten days without you in my reach,

And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -

You're still the only one that feels like home.

I've tried cutting the ropes and

I let you go but you're still the only one

That feels like home.

You won't talk me into it next time,

If I'm going away your hearts coming too.

'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.

When I get back let's disappear without a trace.

'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,

And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -

You're still the only one that feels like home.

I've tried cutting the ropes,

Tried letting go but you're still the only one

That feels like home.

So tell me, did you really think...

Oh tell me, did you really think

I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?

When you couldn't...

'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -

You're still the only one that feels like home.

And I've tried cutting the ropes,

I let you go but you're still the only one

That feels like home, yeah,

You're still the only one that feels like home,

You're still the only one I've gotta love.

Oh yeah...

The Hardest Part

2010-02-24T23:01:00.003+13:00

I wonder why I'm doing it.

I've never been like this before.

Am I that bored?

And the hardest part

Was letting go not taking part

Was the hardest part
And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining in the clouds
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
You really broke my heart
And I tried to sing
But I couldn't think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh, and I
Oh, and I
I wonder what it's all about [x2]

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do it just comes undone
And everything is torn apart
Oh and thats the hardest part
That's the hardest part
Yeah, thats the hardest part
That's the hardest part

In the year 2525...

2010-02-21T21:48:00.011+13:00

We went for a picnic yesterday, I won't get into the nitty-gritty, mostly covered here.

I found out I still have the knack for throwing frisbees around.

I guess sometimes skills are really like riding a bike, it just comes back to you.

Also, found out my skills at Big2 and Last Card have really gone downhill... not that they were going uphill anytime really.

Tawharanui is so not what I remember it from high school... probably coz we weren't in the same place... maybe?

Getting back into the game.

I watched Gentlemen Broncos today.

Whacked movie, just like that of Napoleon Dynamite which was written by the same dudes.

It has Jermaine Clement in it as some plagerising sci-fi writer so it cracks me up.

I guess I recommend it if you liked Napoleon Dynamite, it all runs along the same lines really.

So I think its back to the obligatory blog song, not sure whats made me do this tradition really.

I had never heard this song until recently, which is weird since its actually kinda old, from the 2006's.

Always have been a fan of Incubus but surprised I didn't pick up on it sooner. Probably coz I don't have their Light Grenades album that I missed this song.

This is the live version, but its the same really.

Tonight we drink to youth

and holding fast to truth

don't want to lose what I had as a boy

My heart still has a beat

but love is now a feat

as common as a cold day in LA

Sometimes at night alone I wonder

Is there a spell that I am under

Keeping me from seeing the real thing

Love hurts

but sometimes it's a good hurt

And it feels like I'm alive

Love sings

When it transcends the bad things

have a heart and try me

'Cause without love I won't survive

I'm fettered and abused

Stand naked and accused

should I surface this one man submarine

I only want the truth

So tonight we drink to youth

I'll never lose what I had as a boy

Sometimes at night alone I wonder

Is there a spell that I am under

Keeping me from seeing the real thing

Love hurts

but sometimes it's a good hurt

And it feels like I'm alive

Love sings

When it transcends the bad things

have a heart and try me

'Cause without love I won't survive

Without love I won't survive

Love hurts

But sometimes it's a good hurt

And it feels like I'm alive

Love sings

When it transcends the bad things

have a heart and try me

'Cause without love I won't survive

Love hurts, oh

Love hurts

Without love I won't survive

Love hurts, oh

Love hurts

Without love I won't survive

Haiku

2010-02-17T23:09:00.004+13:00

Here's my feeble attempt at a Haiku.

So we had fun yea?
I hope you did coz I did.
Baby, it's over.

Definition: Cheating

2010-02-14T20:17:00.000+13:00

cheat

v. cheat·ed, cheat·ing, cheats

v.tr.

1. To deceive by trickery; swindle: cheated customers by overcharging them for purchases.

2. To deprive by trickery; defraud: cheated them of their land.

3. To mislead; fool: illusions that cheat the eye.

4. To elude; escape: cheat death.

v.intr.

1. To act dishonestly; practice fraud.

2. To violate rules deliberately, as in a game: was accused of cheating at cards.

3. Informal To be sexually unfaithful: cheat on a spouse.

4. Baseball To position oneself closer to a certain area than is normal or expected: The shortstop cheated toward second base.

Bigger Man

2010-02-11T22:32:00.015+13:00

Be the bigger man.

What does this mean anyway? I couldn't really find a definition but I know it to mean that sometimes its better to walk away from something rather than escalating it.

I've never really understood this. How does that make you the 'bigger man'?

You have higher morals? You can take the shame of leaving? You're a coward?

It's true though, sometimes you do need to walk away, but what are you leaving behind is always the 'what if' that you will never know.

I don't think this really just applies to arguments but to any conflicts found in life's situations.

Relationships, disagreements, even buying stuff between people. You just need to walk away sometimes.

But how can I walk away from something I feel so strongly about?

How do I walk away from something that my 'arguee' has long walked away from?

How do I continue?

Hmm that is the question though isn't it. How do I walk away, how I become the 'bigger man'?

I think I might never know though. Only time will unfortunately tell.

I had another whacked dream again.

Was in a mall celebrating something (?) with a bunch of my friends and then she appeared. Funny thing was I didn't feel uncomfortable, just felt like any other day. Well any other previous day. But I had a hint of... weirdness.

More and more of her family turned up and more and more of my friends just disappearing, all with me not really taking notice.

She kept talking to me through texts, never to my face. What she said, I wouldn't have a clue, I remember reading that in dreams you can't read anything. All text is... not there, apparently.

Anyway, the dude appeared.

I hooked him in the face, broke shit in his head.

I woke up.

I don't think I'll ever be the bigger man with dreams like that.

I think I still thirst for blood.

Don't take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway.

2010-02-03T16:06:00.006+13:00

So it's another year.

My birthday has gone and passed but really, if you think about it, it's just another day.

What's really so special about that one day where you were born all those years ago?

It's just an arbitrary day with little meaning to me. I mean, its not even right is it?

I've never really liked my own birthday. Never liked celebrating it.

I don't see the point. I guess I like keeping a low profile, not really the 'centre of attention' type of person.

In the end its just a reminder of what I have and unfortunately, what I don't have.

Anyway, no escaping it really... It comes every year, so suck it up.

Ok, muscial interlude time.

This song has been stuck in my head for a while since I heard Ted attempting to play it.

I've been trying to learn as well actually, harder than I thought though.

Saying I love you

Is not the words I want to hear from you

It's not that I want you

Not to say, but if you only knew

How easy it would be to show me how you feel

More than words is all you have to do to make it real

Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me

Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two

More than words to show you feel

That your love for me is real

What would you say if I took those words away

Then you couldn't make things new

Just by saying I love you

More than words

Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand

All you have to do is close your eyes

And just reach out your hands and touch me

Hold me close don't ever let me go

More than words is all I ever needed you to show

Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me

Cos I'd already know

What would you do if my heart was torn in two

More than words to show you feel

That your love for me is real

What would you say if I took those words away

Then you couldn't make things new

Just by saying I love you

More than words

Speeding

2010-01-26T11:04:00.004+13:00

So life is slightly returning back to normal after the last long weekend for a long time now.
Being away for a while, no technology, no ... well anything really, gave me alot of time to think.

I saw many couples, all with their own styles, different 'techniques' of dealing with each other etc.
It's weird, but it got me thinking, are any couples really happy?
I mean, yea sure, they give off an exterior image shown to everyone that everything is sweet, but really, when you actually spend time with them, alot of time with them, you see the facade fading away.

Ok, I'm not saying that they're all unhappy and miserable, no.
But are any couples really happy? Not needing to compromise, not arguing, not getting upset at all the small things.

I don't know. It's hard to say really.

Anyway, this song's been stuck in my head for a while now. Catchy.
It kind of brings me back I guess, maybe back to happier times.

Where I look over my shoulder
It got a little bit colder
Its like I lost love from an angel
And now I'm feeling like a stranger
I blend in, I'm spending, I gotta get back to you
I called Triple A, they say they on the way
Top speeding fast, I gotta see you today

But if my time is up, Let me know right now I will find a way, to go hard again so I'm
Speeding, I'm speeding (whoaa)
Speeding, I'm speeding

uhh uhh oouahwhoaa
uhh uhh oouahwhoaa
I, no time to be patient just got the combination
Now I'm flying down the high way
Shes crying trying to Love my way
I'm wit it (so wit it)
Committed
To ride away wit you girl
And give you what you need more than your eyes can ever see

But if my time is up, Let me know right now I will find a way, to go hard again so I'm
Speeding, I'm speeding (whoaa)
Speeding, I'm speeding

Times moving fast but not fast enough so I'm speeding (speeding)
I'm racing fast but not fast enough so I'm speeding (speeding)
I'm doing 90 down the high way (high way)
I gotta make this turn a right way baby
Hop out the car, I'm at your door, I will pick you up then we will go
I gotta scoop you in my arms

But if my time is up, Let me know right now I will find a way, to go hard again so I'm
Speeding, I'm speeding (whoaa)
Speeding, I'm speeding

ohhhoohhhoooohhh
oouuwww!
Speeding, I'm speeding (speeding)
ohhhoohhhoooohhhoohhahwowooo

Stuck in the Middle

2010-01-20T17:01:00.009+13:00

For me, speaking my mind has always been a weakpoint of mine. A really strong weakpoint.
Actually just getting the words out of my mouth usually ends in a struggle.
I think the words coming out of my mouth just don't match the jumbled mess in my head.

I guess that's why I feel connected to songs.
They express what I want to say... they say what I wana say. But better.

I really like this song. I've been playing it on repeat for the last week even though I've heard this song ages ago when his album came out.
I don't really like him though, I think he's a huge douche rocket.
But songs transcend the singer and this is one of those cases.

This song sticks with me.

Im just sitting here, tryna
Forget bout all those years, and I
I can't take the thought of him
Alone with you (alone with you)
Its been a year or so, and you
Moved on and left me cold, and I
I wish that I could let you know
That I still got a thang for you

But you got another man
He says he loves you too
Baby girl I understand
This must be hard on you
And it gets so hard sometimes
To know just what to do
Stuck in the middle with you

[Chrous:]
You and I
Through it all
sunny days
Through the storms
Still I know
He can never love you like me
Girl I know he and you
Going new he messed it up with it all
No he can never love you like me
Can we go back again as lovers not as friends
Cos I know
He can never love you like me
Girl i've been there before
Time to close it up and go right on
But he can never love you like me

I was the one you can run into
When tears would fall from what he do
Who knew the friends would become lovers
Going crazy giving my all but getting halfa you
Im not half the man so tell me what to do
Never gonna let you go
Cos you know our love is true

But you got another man
But he's not good for you
Baby girl I understand
But this aint all on you
And it gets so hard some time
To know just what to do
Stuck in the middle with you

[Chorus:]
You and I
Through it all
sunny days
Through the storm
Still i know
He can never love you like me
Girl i know he and you
Going new he messed it up with it all
No he can never love you like me
Can we go back again as lovers not as friends
Cos i know
He can never love you like me
Girl i've been there before
Time to close up and go right on
But he can never love you like me

I know
That you will never find another love like
Me and you can look but won't find another man like
Me and even though you might have seperated from me
Gotta make a choice can't wait forever

[Chorus:]
You and I
Through it all
sunny days
Through the storm
Still i know
He can never love you like me
Girl i know he and you
Going new he messed it up with it all
No he can never love you like me
Can we go back again as lovers not as friends
Cos i know
He can never love you like me
Girl i've been there before
Time to close up and go right on
But he can never love you like me

I See Shadows

2010-01-12T23:34:00.005+13:00

I'm going to keep this brief.
This is a nice song. Meaningful to me.

Don't judge me. Yes it's a boy band but shuddup, it's nice a'ight.

Morning after
Still lingers
Just waking up
I see a shadow of you
Making breakfast for two
I go driving
Past our place and
I see this girl walk by
I smell her perfume
For a moment I wish it was you

I'm not gonna tell ya
I'm not gonna say that I'm okay, no
I'm tryin' to get over
I'm tryin' to get far away from our mistakes

But I see shadows
Everywhere that I go
It's you, reminding me
Of how we were
Of how it was
I see shadows
Everywhere they follow
It's you and memories
Of how we loved
I've had enough of your shadows

Four months gone
I can't feel you
I don't understand it
Where did you go?
I hate that you're all that I know

I'm not gonna tell ya
I'm not gonna say that I'm okay, no
I'm tryin' to get over
I'm tryin' to get far away from our mistakes

But I see shadows
Everywhere that I go
It's you, reminding me
Of how we were
Of how it was
I see shadows
Everywhere they follow
It's you and memories
Of how we loved
I've had enough of your shadows

You couldn't love me
So why won't you leave me?
Shadows
Alone is the only place I want to be

I see shadows
Everywhere that I go
It's you, reminding me
Of how to love
I've had enough
I see shadows
Everywhere they follow
It's you, the memories
Of how we loved
I've had enough

Obligatory End Of Year Post

2009-12-31T16:03:00.008+13:00

Yes, this is a post on the last day of the year.
But no, I'm not going to do what seems to be the mandatory thing here and post a 2009 summary.
It's abit cliche to do so and I can't really pick any highlights.

Actually no, I change my mind, I have your summary right here.

Shit.

It's odd though.
Maybe this is just a feeling I have but I feel alot of people think that the changing of the year will immediately bring change.

A new year, a new start.

I'm kinda waiting for the day to end and tick over to 2010 as well expecting this change to a calendar would change my luck or state of mind.
But if you think about it... it's just another day.

How is the changing of this random number signifying the date really going to make any meaningful change to your life?

Life goes on, as shit as it ever was.

Appeal to Probability

2009-12-23T23:28:00.018+13:00

I was reading something on the net and it started talking about the logical fallicies which are pretty much ideas which don't really make sense.
This one was about the "Appeal to Probability" and it was talking about movie plot holes.
The Appeal to Probability is pretty much about the the idea that if something has a chance of happening, it will eventually happen. Pretty much the rule of life for gamblers to live by.
But obviously, if it CAN happen, it doesn't mean it WILL happen...

Despite it being from Cracked.com and just being silly sometimes, it was pretty interesting to see what we kinda fall for when watching movies.

But back to the logic stuffs.
I have no idea how this links, but in my mind it did.
Someone made mention of the idea of soulmates to me. But now that I think about it, isn't that a logical fallacy as well? An Appeal to Probability?

Just coz it may happen, doesn't mean it will.
Also, this made me think more, what if you have found your soulmate?
Another thing is that a soulmate doesn't imply a two way thing so it doesn't really mean it'll end up happy. It could just be some one way love. What are the chances of your soulmate having you as a soulmate as well?

The odds are... well ridiculous.
Isn't that a downer to hear near Christmas about your love lives.

Welcome to my mind, you can kinda see why I'm slowly losing it.

Oh, here's another installment of "My Dreams".
Last night's was a doozy. Big four-parter.

First, I watched a normal household cat maul a drowning Chinese man. It was pretty gruesome, the cat tore off limbs and the dude was trying to paddle his way to safety with whatever limbs he had. He eventually died when the cat did an "Aliens" moment and burst out of his chest. Through his back.

Second part was abit more... wtf.
I was a wizard in some castle and some dude kept knocking me out with gas bombs so he could steal my potions. I kept waking up and he kept knocking me out. End of sequence.

Third one actually involved me. Not in a wizard robe.
I have no idea what I was doing but she kept trying to convince me to join some MMORPG to help her crew out. I didn't because all it really did was remind me of her. Odd.

Last one was more Christmas-y. I was chasing around Alicia Keys in New York while she was flying around in a low flying sleigh singing that song she sings with Jay-Z about New York.
Yes.
WTF.

I need more sleep and no, it's not to get more whacked out dreams.

Grouch

2009-12-21T22:31:00.016+13:00

It's nearly Christmas and is it just me or does it seem alot less festive-y than usual.
I mean, comparing to previous years, there doesn't really seem to be as much xmas joy floating about and the malls don't even seem that busy.

Or am I just a grouch now?

I've noticed that lately actually. I'm not really the same anymore. I'm more... twitchy. I've lost the will to do things I usually want to do.
I've really started just questioning what I'm doing with my life.

Have you done that? Just questioned your own life?
Is there all a point to this?

I reckon it's less festive because I'm making it less festive. No, the world does not revolve around me but I think with all the shit thats happened to me, the end of the year has just... lost its shine.

I dunno, I have no conclusion. I'm just kinda lost in my own thought.

So yea, abit delayed (1 month) but better late than never I guess.
Here was my pathetic attempt at Movember.

Yes. Mock all you want. It was probably the dirtiest lookin' mo you'll find. It was itchy.

And I lost the competition, so there wasn't any need to keep it retarding my face. It was irritating.

EDIT: Well I always tend to have odd dreams before or after posting here.
This time it felt like... I was dreaming of the future. I felt older.
I was at a bar up the road drinking by myself and proceeded to get thoroughly trashed.
I don't know how long I was there, I just remember alot of people coming and going.
Funny thing is, yes, she was there too with her family. Not that I knew it though.
I then got kicked out for fighting some guy next to me for no reason at all just about the same time as she and her family was leaving.
Awkward.
She started making small talk but I wasn't in any state to talk to her nor did I feel like I wanted to. I just wanted to run.
Then she shows me her kid.
I then had this funny, 'out of body' experience in my dream. I saw my face etc and it was some classic shock expression.
I then ran away, well as fast as my inebriated legs could take me.
Oh, then I got hit by a car. Seems about right.

A succession of images, thoughts, sounds, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep

2009-12-04T22:42:00.022+13:00

I've been randomly having a bunch of dreams again.
It's odd coz as I probably have said before, I don't dream.
I'm beginning to write down what I've dreamt because memories of dreams are very fleeting.

In one I was grocery shopping with her. Happy, holding hands, lovey dovey.
It suddenly fastforwards and I'm walking around by myself and the guy comes up to me.
He's talking constantly, blathering on about something that I never took in.
And then spontaneously, I punched in. In mid-talk.
He went flying. Far.
Landed in this big random pile of wood (?).
She went to his rescue, berated me for what I had done and left me to carry on with 'our' shopping.

The next dream really felt like... another day.
I went to her work, looking to buy some clothes.
She saw me, ran to me, hugged me, kissed me and we talked for what felt like forever.
Talked about everything from clothes brands to animal locations (?).
It ended... uneventfully.

This next dream is odd. Its recurring. I don't know about everyone else but I tend to have a few recurring dreams in my life which always haunt me for whatever reason.
I'm all dressed up sitting on a pew in an impeccable church with bright sunlight shining through each of the stained glass windows.
A friend is sitting next to me, but there's hundreds of other faceless people sitting around me.
She walks in, the bride, and he walks in, the groom.
They walk up the aisle, waiting for the priest to recite his timeless speil.

"If anybody has any objections speak now or forever hold your peace"

I sharply stand up in the deafeningly quiet church, gripping the pew in front.
Everybody's blank faces turn to me. My mate chastises me angrily, "What the hell are you doing?!"

I look to her, half wanting to say something but half knowing I would probably not survive the trip to the door if I do say it.
I look deep into her eyes, the physical distance between us seemingly disappearing.

I just walk out. What could I have done?
That definitely is an odd dream. Recurring at that as well.

I do wonder if it means anything?

I am Tom Hansen

2009-11-29T16:51:00.008+13:00

I finally watched 500 Days of Summer after being bugged about being the only person who hasn't watched it.
I was told I could probably relate to the movie.

Wow.

You know when I said I had that 'strike of lightning' moment with the song I posted before?
This is the movie version of that 'strike'.

It's really sticks with you when the narrator makes comments about the characters in the movie, but you can completely relate to every word said.
You can place yourself in the exact position and, barring the environment difference, be the character. I totally felt like Tom.

Odd.

There were so many moments where I felt myself welling up, not for the character, but for my relation to the situation.

Fate?
Coincidence?
True Love?

I'm blown away.

I guess I'm still looking for my "Autumn".

P.S. I'm probably gona post my Movember pic next post. Wait for a mo-tastic post.

Best Part of Me

2009-11-23T22:40:00.006+13:00

I had some weird... 'lightning strike my head' situation before.
I was listening to the radio before and heard the below song.

I have their album and maybe... 6 months ago I had it on loops for yonks.
I just kept listening to it coz I liked the music.

But now... when I heard it on the radio, I actually listened to the lyrics.
I mean, I knew the lyrics before... but now I actually LISTENED to them.

And again, for the umptenth time, music has somehow described my life.

Accurately.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break, no it don't breakeven, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no

How I Met Your Mother

2009-11-15T02:21:00.051+13:00

So I'm still in constant pain which sucks.
I only really getting about max 4 hours a night sleep then wake up with constant pain.
Insomnias not a problem but when you just can't sleep coz your whole leg and back hurts, it's pretty depressing.

6 - 8 weeks.

I was cleaning out my old phone over the weekend to give to my mum to use, the cool white one that displayed stuff on the front external 'screen'.
I went through the phone and was looking through and deleting all the texts incase I had something important in one.

400ish texts. Thats alot to go through.

Its funny how it reminds you of all the good times and bad times you've had also how we all live in such a technologically dependant world. Everything we do is recorded. Whatever we do is linked to some device, blog, electronic etc.

I was reading some texts I got about a year ago. Do you ever wonder how when people say "I'd never do that to you" or something along those lines, using such a... 'final' word like "never", that they can't actually mean it?
I mean, you say it then, it makes you feel better, but really, isn't it just... delaying the truth?

If you think about it, 'never' is such a long time. Time changes things.

You don't mean it anymore.

It made me quite sad going through the texts about the time when a special someone was leaving.
It brought back alot of memories and kinda makes me wonder now, how did it all change?
Words said so easily I guess just don't really mean much now.

I saw the end of an episode of "How I Met Your Mother" when we were over watching the All Whites.
I dunno why, but it kinda stuck with me.

At the end, Ted (the main char) chases his ex-fiancee to rage at her because she left him for her ex and that shes made the wrong decision and that he was the best thing that happened to her.

"You're just going to regret this. You know that, right? You are going to regret this, and now there is nothing you can do about it, because it's too late. All you can do now is go up there and start your crappy, disappointing life that will never be as happy as the one you could have had with me. Look, I am not here to win you back. I am here because I need to you that you know you made the biggest mistake of your life."

Brilliant speech Ted.

But he didn't say it after seeing her with the new husband all happy like.
He was content to just let it go.

I can kind of relate to that but that's pretty vain of me.
But there are some things its best for your own good to believe.

I wonder if I can let go?

We're Going Down

2009-11-08T22:54:00.007+13:00

I've been going acupuncture a few times now and I'm not entirely sure what I think about it.

I mean... there's 2 ways to look at it.
I could be naturally healing, irrespective of the acupuncture, I could be healing at a normal pace.
Or it could be helping me heal, I might not be healing this fast without it.
I dunno.

It's hard to say really and the way I look at it, if you don't believe it, it's not going to work.
At this point in time, if jumping around naked chanting ancient words around a bonfire will work, I'll do it... this is probably the worst pain I've been in.

I don't know if I've actually explained whats wrong with me.
Long story short, I've torn something in a disc. This has caused the insides of the disc to protrude out into my spine and nudge against the nerves in my back.
So essentially the part of the body which controls all the feeling going down to my right foot is affected.
Therefore = movement in back/right leg = stabbing pain.

I'm still taking abit of painkillers and muscle relaxants though... maybe that's helping as well?
But at least I've FINALLY had a night of unbroken sleep.

For about 3 months now, I haven't had one good nights sleep.
If it isn't insomnia, it's nightmares, if it isn't that, I'm just not tired.
It's worse this last week since as part of the insomnia/nightmares throw in a mix of CONSTANT STABBING PAIN while trying to sleep and lets just say... I've seen 3 - 7 am on my clock way too much.
I think I was lucky I didn't move in my sleep last night to irritate my nerves.

I've continued the firecupping stuff too.
I literally have lines of bruises on my back. Three times more than in the previous photo.

I just want to get better...

I continually tell myself, "it'll be ok, be optimistic etcetcetc".
It's hard.

Too many setbacks.

Life sucks.

Sexyback

2009-11-02T16:05:00.021+13:00

So I'm pretty wasted, been off work for the last few days and just laying down on my front because it hurts too much laying on my back, sitting or standing.

So essentially everything.

I can easily say, I have never experienced anything this painful before, so constantly, not even when I broke something in my foot.

So running out of solutions that seem to help, I've decided to go Acupuncture. Now I have nothing against it really, I just don't understand it but I know alot of people who swear by it.

So I got jabbed by a bunch of needles in the lower back and leg (about 12?), each about 10cm long. I just lay there for about ... an hour with the needles in my body. Oh, she also decided to light some of them on fire and hook some up to an electropulse machine. She then put a massive heater above me.

Funny feeling really.

Parts of my body was pulsing, some parts were hot, my whole body was really warm from the heater and I was sweating.

After this it was decided it was best to get me to do some fire cupping as well. I have huge weird marks on my back now, it was this weird sucking feeling. Not painful at all.

There's more marks, but it would make the photo abit more x-rated.

So here's hoping that I will get better or at least be able to stand/sit/sleep. Actually since I've been writing this blog, I've gotten up and walked around maybe 4 or 5 times coz my leg hurts way too much.

Neurofen is my friend lately, not good seeing as the recommendation is not to take them for more than 3 days and 6 pills a day which... I don't think I've been following.

Sigh... I feel so broken.

Someone told me this recently, "If you love something, let it go."
That really doesn't make any sense whatsoever so I decided to look for the actual saying.

I found... "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."

Haha. I wonder how true that is. It really makes me wonder what happened to the person who thought of that quote. Are they trying to reason something that happened? I think they're just trying to shift the blame to something else.

I do hope this isn't a quote that actually is true.

I had a weirdass dream again.

I hardly sleep these days and I usually don't dream so it's kinda weird to even dream at all.

Must be the Neurofen.

I was organising my wedding (wtf indeed) with well... I think if anyone knows me, they know who with. Anyway, I was in Newmarket with her and looking for Japanese stuff (wtf x2) and for some reason I was playing with a tennis ball (wtf x3). It fell out of my hand and bounced onto Kyber Pass to the other side of the road. I remember trying to get it but couldn't because of the horrible traffic. Some dude on the other side grabbed the ball but a bus smacked the brakes to avoid hitting the guy and then the bus jackknifed. So the bus was wasted and the driver gets out all angry and chases the dude with the ball and they do a funny old school chase.

End of dream.

Odd. I need more sleep.

Personification of Murphy's Law

2009-11-02T00:28:00.006+13:00

I feel like these last few months really haven't been very good to me.

I really try to be optimistic about it really.

There's always a silver lining.

Always....

But how do you, when your body just seems to be... failing.

I had a coughing fit earlier today. Side effect of having a cold really.

My eyes were watering, face was red, my throat is pretty rough, so dry coughs for the win.

Also dry retching. Yuss.

My body decided to have one final cough...

And that cough made my back... 'dislodge' something.

Made a nice crack noise.

Now my whole right leg is constantly hurting.

Sitting is a struggle. Walking is a struggle. I hobble alot more than before. Actually straightening my leg is a struggle.

I wonder when or if something good is actually going to happen in my life.

It's a struggle just to keep going.

To Amble About

2009-10-31T14:02:00.008+13:00

I'm absolutely knackered right now.
My brain isn't working, I've had very little sleep and still have that nagging cold.

Went to Henry's going away thing last night.
He got a position in Singapore, that's pretty sweet. Good luck to him.

It was on a new-ish place on K'Rd called Stoners, I went there last time.
It was nice to see all those people again, I hadn't hung around them for... years actually.
It's funny how people don't really change after you see them years later.
Funny how small the world is too.

I dunno, I said I'd go there just for abit and then go.
But it doesn't seem to work like that anymore... It's either no drinking or I get smashed.
I don't know why.

Maybe I feel I can drink my problems away or maybe I just want forgot about everything.

I also saw a mate who just pretty much just got up from Taraunga and his crew.
I hung around them for a while, I think by this time everything was abit blurry and I didn't really know what was happening, I just remember trying to calm one of them down who was raging at the time.
Imagine trying to calm down a short stocky boxing type.

Not easy.

We ended up cabbing somewhere else and in the cab, Will was telling me bout stuff that was getting me real depressed. It wasn't malicious or anything and there was no ill-intent, it was the truth.
When we got outa the cab, I just left, didn't think I could handle really.

I just ended up drunkenly walking the city by myself in the wee hours of the morning for a few hours.

I decided in my infinite wisdom while walking back to my car, to take a photo.
I guess it kinda shows how... stable I was.

Withstanding

2009-10-27T22:01:00.009+13:00

So I believe I may have really bad luck.

I have a buggered back that still kinda keeps me up at night and could possibly take months to heal.

But I guess I thought that wasn't enough of a challenge. No.

It's too minor stuff.

So I decided to get a cold as well. A raging one that feels like it's grinding my throat with a belt sander. My head is all light as well, sign of a great cold which gives me that extra disadvantage that I thought I must have.

That should do it right? I'm severely disadvantaged enough that it seems like a struggle just to get out of bed.

But wait there's more.

I thought eating and drinking was too easy so I thought I'd develop some ulcers in my mouth as well.

Haha life is absolutely PEACHY right now.

I'm drained, I don't have the energy for this.

Onto a commercial break. This has been stuck in my head lately.

Let me hold you for the last time

It's the last chance to feel again

But you broke me, now I can't feel anything

When I love you and so untrue

I can't even convince myself

When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else

Oh, it tears me up

I tried to hold on but it hurts too much

I tried to forgive but it's not enough

To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings

You can't feel anything

That your heart don't want to feel

I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse

How can I give anymore

When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?

We are turning into dust

Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire

When there's nothing left to say

It's like chasing the very last train

When it's too late, too late

Oh, it tears me up

I tried to hold on but it hurts too much

I tried to forgive but it's not enough

To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings

You can't feel anything

That your heart don't want to feel

I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse

How can I give anymore

When I love you a little less than before?

But we're running through the fire

When there's nothing left to say

It's like chasing the very last train

When we both know it's too late, too late

You can't play our broken strings

You can't feel anything

That your heart don't want to feel

I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse

So how can I give anymore

When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, you know that I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time

It's the last chance to feel again

One Wish

2009-10-24T18:35:00.064+13:00

So I believe I've been drinking abit too much lately.
Now anyone who really knows me, knows I'm pretty lightweight. Rosey red blush after a sip.

Why did I just mention that? No idea. I just thought of that now.
I think I might just be trying to find something to blame for my backpain because I don't really want to blame the real problem.

Myself.

Who really wants to blame themselves for inflicting pain on... err themselves.

I was searching through my work bag today and found something abit unexpected.
It was one of these charms I got given not long ago that was made in a temple and was blessed etc.
"Grants you one wish" or something along those lines was the 'power' bestowed on it.

It's kinda funny.
I made a wish at the time on this charm, knowing that it wouldn't come true, but ever so 'wishing' it would.

Does that even count?

Making a wish you know can't happen? Does it go against some heavenly creed that states that wishes made on charms passed to mortals need to be wishes that CAN be granted?

Does that mean I can make another wish? Or has the 'wishing' power gone?
Either way I don't think I'll be revoking my wish.

I think this song kinda ... fits though.

Damn baby
Just don't understand where we went wrong
I gave you my heart
I gave you my soul
I gave you...

As a matter of fact I was the one who said I love you first
It was about eight years ago, don't act like you don't know
We were sittin' at home in your mama's livin' room
Cause, we couldn't be alone
See your mama knew I was something else, she knew how I felt
Back then we were in school; and that's your favourite excuse
Growin' up I was a fool; and I can't lie I'm missing you
Listen and don't trip
I think I need a bottle with a genie in it
Here's my wish list

First one, I would create a heart changing love
Second one, I'll take yours and fill it all the way up
Third one, but I don't need a lot of wishes cause I'll be okay if I get one

If I had one wish, we would be best friends
Love would never end, it would just begin
If I had one wish, you would be my boo
Promise to love you, trust me I'll trust you
If I had one wish, we would run away
Making love all day, have us a baby
If I had one wish, I'd make you my whole life
And you'd be my wife, make it right this time

If I had one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish

Now tell me is this the only way I can get you right back in
If so then searchin' I'll go, then I can have you for sho
Then you'll be loving me, holding me, kissing me
So girl don't tell me what I'm feeling is make believe
I swear if I lose a second chance with you
I wouldn't know what to do
I'd probably check myself into some kind of clinic
I couldn't be alone because without you I'm sick
Here's my wish list

First one, I would create a heart changing love
Second one, I'll take yours and fill it all the way up
Third one, but I don't need a lot of wishes cause I'll be okay if I get one

If I had one wish, we would be best friends
Love would never end, it would just begin
If I had one wish, you would be my boo
Promise to love you, trust me I'll trust you
If I had one wish, we would run away
Making love all day, have us a baby
If I had one wish, I'd make you my whole life
And you'd be my wife, make it right this time
If I had one wish

I don't even know how we ended upon this road
And, even though we are grown, Girl I just want you to know

If I had one wish, we would be best friends
Love would never end, it would just begin
If I had one wish, you would be my boo
Promise to love you, trust me I'll trust you
If I had one wish, we would run away
Making love all day, have us a baby
If I had one wish, I'd make you my whole life
And you'd be my wife, make it right this time

It's odd I'm putting so much music up lately. I'm actually listening to it alot more than usual I think as well.
I've always had a thing for music. To me, it's meant to mean something, signify something deeper than the beats it makes, more intricate than the lyrics sung and even more pure than the white of the paper its written on.
I've been really listening alot to my music collection lately. No one left in the office to talk to as much now really... But the collection, it's 'eclectic' to say the least. I'm getting kinda sick of it though.

It all means something to me. Every song has a memory to it. Has a thought linked to it. Has an emotion, a dream or an ideal that somehow my warped and twisted mind has conjured and tacked to it.

I want to look for a new watch. I haven't used one for a while and the lack of timekeeping is throwing me off. The last watch I have is ... well still in Taiwan time. It's not that I'm too lazy to change it, its just... well, again in my warped and twisted mind, I've associated it to something and decided to leave it as such. The time where it was my last chance, even though there was little hope of having a chance anyway. The last time I actually felt whole and even 'loved'. Cheesy aye?

But isn't it a reminder? Good idea to do this? Probably not, but when have I ever been known to have good ideas.

Yesterday we went to the Armageddon expo thing. It's kinda gone downhill from the days I went ages back but to be honest, kids are dazzled easily by the smallest things. I felt like the oldest person there even though I obviously wasn't. Although when we went to see Seth Green and Michael Winslow, it was anything but for kids.

I saw an unexpected face there too. I went to say hi and she ended up giving me some food. She's running a stall after all so I guess it comes with the territory.
It makes things harder when they're so nice to me. I feel like its a world I'm leaving behind really even though I really want to be part of it.

Sorry about the very incoherent post.
It's just the process of regurgitation that does this really.
I think I'll just end it then. Better than just going on and on.
Until next bat-time.

At least she's happy.

Relapse

2009-10-20T22:47:00.005+13:00

So I've buggered myself again.
Apparently the disc has... jutted out abit more rather than healing.

So I'm back to the pain of the first week of buggering myself and can't tie my shoelaces again.
I'm lucky I have laceless shoes...

Anyway, who would've guessed that I would be classed in the 20% that don't heal in 6 weeks.
Ha. Ha.

So I guess another few months of hobbling? Eh, I'm used to it now.
I'm like the pro cripple.

Back to my stretches. The ones that make me look like I'm making 'business time' with the ground. And yes, the live one is more awesome than the not-so-live one.

define: resolve

2009-10-17T12:59:00.008+13:00

I'm gona do a 'Senbonzakura' and paste a music vid.

I heard this song today and even though I've listened to it endlessly yonks back, I actually listened to it properly this time and... it makes sense.
This actually has some significance even though I really like the Foo Fighters, it's a posting that really means something to me now, not just music.
Funny now that I watch the vid again, it actually make even MORE sense, haha.

Foo Fighters, why do you read my mind?

Something that I felt today, something that I heard
Swingin' from the chandeliers, hanging on your word
I remember watchin' you, once upon a time

Dancing from across the room, in another life

A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how
A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how

Lookin' back to find my way, never seemed so hard
Yesterday's been laid to rest, changing of the guard
I would never change a thing, even if I could
All the songs we used to sing, everything was good

A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how
A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how

One more year that you're not here has gone and passed you by
What happened to you, what happened to you?
One more tear that you won't hear has gone and passed you by
What happened to you, what happened to you?

A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how
A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how

A little bit of resolve
One more year that you're not here
Has gone and passed you by (A little bit of resolve)
A little bit of resolve
One more year that you're not here
Has gone and passed you by (A little bit of resolve)

At First Sight

2009-10-08T00:00:00.004+13:00

So, I buggered up my blog.
Template must've expired or something I dunno... either way I've reverted to a 'default' blogspot one.

Yay.

Anyway, I'm not going to decorate this blog with my normal colours and styling, I don't think it really needs it. This doesn't need to be 'glorified', its something that has quite simply changed my life.

One concept.

Who here, if anyone is actually here, believes in love?
Not the love you have for your family or the feeling towards your cat, but love love.
True love.

That feeling you get with that significant other, the butterflies, the cold sweats, the weak knees, stammering speech, that generally uncomfortable feeling that you can't really get enough of.
The one where you look back and grin at fondly.

I don't.

Well, not anymore.
Stung hard? Possibly. I've just had alot of time to question what it all really means. What do people put themselves through, the effort they put in, the time, money, blood, sweat and tears.
All for this feeling of 'love'.

What is love really? All it is, if you break it down, is a reaction of chemicals between two people. A reaction.

How romantic.
When you think about it, it's silly really. I mean, we go out of our way to do things for this feeling, just for another 'hit' of this reaction.
Or do we do this because of the reaction? I'm not going to argue about chickens and eggs, but the pure existence of it in the first place.
Its a concept of the mind, one invented by humans themselves to try and comfort themselves into thinking there are other random people out there that care about you in such a way that you can't conviniently explain.

I thought I had it in bucketloads. I thought it was reciprical. I thought it was 'everlasting'.
Key word is 'thought'.

I also believed in 'love at first sight'. Anyone else believe this?
I don't anymore.
I really thought it was true, I mean, I experienced it. That moment will stay with me forever.

But now that I think about it, it was silly. How does that even occur. There is no logical explanation.

Lets say you believe in love, can it be lost? Does it fade? Does it just... disappear?
And why? How?
These have never really made sense to me. How does a 'reaction' fade? How does it just diminish over time? Does one concept, one 'reaction', need to be so complicated?

How has something complicated, become so fundamental to our lives?
I for one, have revoked this concept. It has confused me so much that I will forever question my future about this. And now I don't believe it.

How can I?

Existence

2009-09-22T14:17:00.014+12:00

I've had alot of spare time on my hands.
Being crippled and bedridden does that to you.

Apparently 80% of people are fully healed in 6 weeks... wow... 6 weeks.

That's a while.

Alot of crap swirls in my head when I have too much spare time.
I try to keep that to a minimum really... trying to keep as busy as possible.
Knives, buses, alcohol, falling, panic, searching, stretches of street, alot of silly things.
Just many questions, questions galore.

What if it was a lie? What if the truth was never revealed? What if they do get together? What if I don't get better in 6 weeks?

What is the point?

That's a funny question isn't it.
That can really be taken 2 ways. Whats the point of me thinking like this? There isn't one.

Does it make me feel better?
No.

Does it help my future?
No.

Does it give me super powers?
Unfortunately no.

Or you could take it even deeper... what is the point of it all?

My existence.

What is my point of being here?
If I disappeared from the face of the earth, what would happen?
Obviously I will be missed by the ones closest, but time is a good killer of memory.
Everyone will eventually forget. Then what?

Back to normal.

So is there a point?

FML

2009-09-16T22:01:00.008+12:00

I always do say that I am going to update this.

I never do.

Therefore, from now on, I won't even attempt to apologise for not posting.
There, just accept it.

I've recently had a pretty.... life changing event happen to me.
Its like when you have your whole life planned out ahead of you, things you have set in motion, the knowledge that you are set for... well, life.

And then one action, probably even a... mistaken action, causes all that to crumble.
Do you know how that feels?
To have your future... wiped clean. To have your purpose in life, be removed, leave, forget.

Well, welcome to my world.

I've been going through my life for the last 2 weeks.
I need to re-evaluate everything. Need to start again.

Deformed Muse

2008-12-29T11:22:00.006+13:00

So it's been a while since my last post.
Captain Obvious right here.
Well I don't apologise for the lack of updates, just deal. I would like to blame a lack of time or enthusiasm on writing this, but I think I'm just lazy.

Wait, I AM lazy.

I guess I have to write the obligatory 'Seasons Greeting' blurb.

"Hope you all had a Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year".

There, that's out of the way. I'm not much of a 'holidays' person.

I thought I would put some 'deep and meaningful' here, but I'm abit skint of ideas so instead I'm going to put a picture of a painting I helped with when I was in primary school which is STILL surprisingly up on the school wall.

My name is 'tagged' at the bottom. I don't know, for an utter crap job and with the skill of a kid 3 years younger than I was at that time when I painted that, I'm quite proud of it.
Not that I remember anything about it. Just the painting.

It's a standing testament to the irregular and deformed shapes children come up with for bodies.
You can see the fashion at that time also wasn't that off from the present.

I wear my yellow tshirt and thigh-high blue shorts with pink-and-green 'C's all the time.

Dickbutt

2008-05-10T23:33:00.002+12:00

So I really don't have anything to talk about.
I'm bored outta my mind and that's not good.
I feel like I've started to relapse into those former years when I thought too much.

It's not a good thing considering what troubles it has caused.

Why do I get upset at things that don't concern me?
Why should I care?

Creep

2008-05-03T17:21:00.005+12:00

So obviously I haven't been trying too hard at updating this mind outlet space possibly due to the fact that the mind has really been 'outletting' anything.

I think my life has now resorted to complaints and squabbles about work.
It's funny.
It's a huge part of life and I can see how it can be all-consuming in the way most people live.

It's a MONSTER.
Not those big hairy, scaly ones that just lumber around destroying buildings willy nilly.

It's one of those small, wormy little things that crawl around inside you, randomly deciding to make itself known by giving you a rash or herpes.

At this point, I've completely forgotten where I was heading with this.

Round Trip

2008-04-17T21:59:00.014+12:00

Going to work is repetitive.
Even the people I see are the same everyday.
Not just work-mates, but random people on the street, bus stops etc.

But it does give me alot of time to catch up on the latest goss. What ever happened to Jenny last night, how Scott was ..... nevermind, I catch the bus with alot of school kids...

Ok, so it let's me catch up on... well I don't know, I forget my point.
I listened to the radio for once after yonks of blissful IPod ignorance.

But I heard something very interesting.

Some guy (I forgot his name) wrote a book (I forgot the name) or an article (I also forgot the name (if it exists)) about a new type of taxing system that should exist.

A social one.

Ok ok, I know what your thinking.
"Oh why are you speaking the intellectual talk?"
Yes, it does seem quite... mature doesn't it?
Either way, I prance over your minor concern because I don't care.

Back to the story.

This guy, I'll call him Marmaduke, basically said that we should tax the beautiful people.

Whoa.
Now hold on.

Tax the 'beautiful' people?
I know, I know. I would be poor after being taxed (insert canned laughter).

But it kind of makes sense. It's been scientifically proven that better looking people earn better pay, have better opportunity, attract more people and generally have a better life.

Now Marmaduke, who for the record was pretty butt ugly, thinks that this would lead to a more balanced lifestyle for all.

The ultimate tax.

Now Marmaduke seems like a smart guy. He thought all this up, he must have some degree or something! Why isn't this system in place now?!? Well Marmaduke isn't that smart.

First obstacle,
how do you define beautiful?
How do you measure it?

Kapow. Failure hurts.

Ok. That was ... lengthy. And my point?
Well I don't have one.
I'm ranting.

This is my ride to work.
Come.

Journey with me.

It's like riding a bike.

2008-04-11T23:02:00.004+12:00

You know when you've forgotten about something if when you come back to it, it makes no sense to you.

When you neglet something so, its like a guilt washes over you when you finally remember it.

Sorry.
I will update more often.

Anyway, I've started working.
That's about all I can say really, I don't really do much.
Ask if you want more.

On a lighter note, here's something random.

Insomnia

2007-12-19T23:38:00.001+13:00

Amazing isn't it.
How little things in life can be so easily taken for granted.

Like sleep.

Sleep is a natural action. It's the body's resting period. Helps us heal.
I've really been lacking this lately. I don't think I've had more than 5 hours of sleep on any given day this past month.
This is no fault but my own really, I'm not sure how though. It's like a reflex, I just wake up, usually at some obscene hour in the morning.

I know, I know... Some people get 5 hours and they're fine.
It's true and I believe this. I believe I am one of them. But the consistent lack of any rest is starting to get to me.
People take naps.
I can't, I'm just never tired enough during the day to do this even if I did only get, say, an hour sleep the night before.

I also don't sleep till very late either.
I guess coz I'm not actually tired. I went to bed once with the birds chirping around me, sun starting to rise, and then awoke not long after.

Sigh.

The logical response is stress.
Stressed to a point where sleep is just... forgotten.
I think this is too easy of an excuse to take. I can't blame that as I feel I don't have the 'stress package' to back it up.

Maybe it's my lifestyle.
I mean, I do just sit around all day working. Maybe I need to get the energy out of my system, and sleeeeep. Again, I somewhat doubt this is a reason to be taken seriously.
I mean, at home, I usually only ever have one meal, which wouldn't really bolster my energy levels enough to give me an 'overdose' of power. Also, I've never had this before. I used to sleep like a rock even if I had barely moved during the day.

Sorry for the... well, pretty useless post.
I guess what I'm trying to do is to:

A: Release what I'm thinking
B: Write something on my damn blog
C: Make my mind tired enough to sleep

Seriously, my mind should be shattered about now.
But it's not and I feel as if... I'm teetering on some precipice, about to fall into the abyss of crazy. Sometimes I just dunno what I'm doing.
As if my mind just isn't running the show.

I was just sitting working at home by myself when I just stood up and just yelled. Nothing comprehensible, just garbage. I sat back down and wonder wtf I just did.

The body is moving, but there's no driver.

Hmm... I think I'll need to proofread my dissertation again coz of this...

Blue Glow

2007-12-11T22:55:00.000+13:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a world where I speak another language and even my damn subtitles are... well, electronic brain pancake crystal elderly.

There's always an expectation.
Life runs on expectation.

I expect to do this, I expect you to do this, you expect this of me.... and the list goes on.
But noone ever said that expectations were good.

Expectations to real life are what assumptions are to science.
They make life easier.

From Dictionary.com:
sim·ple [sim-puhl] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation adjective, -pler, -plest, noun –adjective
...
10.not grand or sophisticated; unpretentious: a simple way of life.

But there is a point when everything is... too simple, too black and white.
But without expectations, does that mean that life becomes complicated?
Should we rid ourselves of expectations purely for our own benefit?
Save ourselves from disappointment? Pain? Humiliation?

You, my good sir are... DOING. IT. WRONG.

2007-12-07T14:01:00.000+13:00

So I left home for one hour.
Which turned out to be a slightly epic hour.

I got an email from my supervisor saying to see him before he leaves for his holiday.

Fine. I don't mind, he has more surveys for me so all the better.

I jump in my car. The whole way it was making funny noises in the back.
Turns out I forgot to take the balls out when we went to the picnic and there crash-banging everything in the boot.

Fine. That's no biggie.

I drive to get on the motorway.
Fine. Again no biggie.

I get on the motorway, again no biggie.
My Ipod dies. No biggie.
I get towards the split when 2 lanes go off to north and west, and the other 2 lanes go off to town, e.g. Symonds St.
I know it's hard deciding quickly. I know. It's tough to decide which way to go, especially when there are signs telling you how to get there. People don't know which way to go when the lane splits so stops in the middle median to ponder.
STOP on the motorway.

You are doing it wrong.

Ok. So I finally get to uni.
I wander around in an abandoned building known as the Old Choral Hall (first mistake) only to find out that I need to wander in a new, slightly more populated, building known as 'THE GLENN'.

I am doing it wrong.

Lucky I ran into Virginia. It always looks better to wander aimless with another lost soul than by yourself.

So, she leaves me for finding her own supervisor and I walk in the complete wrong direction. Now, the building is big. Really big. A floor is like... a maze. Highly confusing.
I wander some more.
FINALLY, I find my supervisor and discuss everything I need to.
I leave my supervisor, who seems to be the ONLY one working on this floor and head to the elevator.
I decided to explore the building (second mistake) by walking down stairs, only to find that stairs stop at the 2nd floor, so I want to take lift down 1 floor, the 'ground floor' (third mistake).
I press button and nothing happened for 5 minutes. Lights all flash up, but nothing happens

I decided to walk up one floor and take the lift down 2 floors.
It works.
Funny thing was it stopped on EVERY floor down. Old dude with me in the lift got annoyed and was joking about pressing all the buttons, which he did.

You and I are doing it wrong.

I get out of the maze/hell hole/dungeon called 'THE GLENN' and go to my car.
Waiting at the lights (fourth mistake), a huge truck drove by spreading its copious amounts of dust and crud around.
Dust killed my eyes.
I drive and try to forget.

Ok, so I hate traffic and try profusely to avoid it.
This time I decided against going on the motorway as it was pretty bad traffic jam (fifth mistake).
So I go along Grafton.
An old man decided to JUST jump out when the lights went green for us to go but I avoided manslaughter. He was crazy.

You are doing it wrong.

There's traffic still. People are setting up for Christmas in the Park and it is to be expected.
I thought I would go down street that is perpendicular with T-mart, the one with the railway tracks (sixth mistake).
ROAD WAS CLOSED... just along the tracks....
All this time, I had been following a cop car from Grafton.

You and I are doing it wrong.

I came out behind the cinema to go roundabout which is also behind the cinema and along the road with T-mart and hopefully out onto Kyber Pass (seventh mistake).
I wanted to turn left onto Kyber and the guy next to me wanted to turn right.
He fails.
He was halfway out but not moving.

You are doing it wrong.

Broadway was surprisingly uneventful.
I decide to go along Manukau road (eighth mistake).
At every intersection, noone would give way to turning traffic.
People got angry who wanted to turn, obviously.
There was even a person driving on the wrong side of the road.

You are all doing it wrong.

I sometimes feel that taxis are the scourge of the driving world.
They did no disappoint me today.
This taxi changed into my lane JUST on an intersection, blocking every lane.

You are SERIOUSLY doing it wrong.

Ok, so who runs the traffic lights? I don't know, coz whoever does was seriously doing it wrong today. Major intersection, Greenlane West and Manukau roads lights were out.

SERIOUSLY, wtf. You are soooo doing it wrong.

Actually, I came across the first person who was doing it right.
The cop who was directing the traffic.

Afterwards I slowly made my way home.

Wow, thats a long rant about my mistake-laden day.
All this in an hour. What a play-by-play account.
I think this might be my record post. It's long and boring.

Both records in their own right.

Bah, people annoy me.
Sorry for the long post.

Gallery Du Jour

2007-11-23T18:35:00.000+13:00

So, I really don't have much to talk about.

This week has been slow at best, quite uneventful.
I sit here on the laptop, during the evening news, wondering... wow, I'm quite domesticated.

I drudge through working on my dissertation and try to look for the light at the end of the tunnel.
So I haven't really had much of an opportunity to take any photos at all.

Instead, I will replace these photos with 'substitutes' of things I would normally see, day in, day out.So let's start the show.

Ray disagreeing with... well everything.

Here is Rob-chan in all his 4chan-meme glory.

Then randomly, in comes Fahad with his... wrinkles

Then finally, the day usually ends on a high note.
Or some awesome idea...

Ok.
So that was a waste of both yours and my time.

Don't ask for it back.

Fiasco

2007-11-18T15:43:00.000+13:00

Ok.

After the last post 'debacle', I've decided to emphasise the point.

As you many notice, if you are a 'frequent' visitor, my design has changed.
To be honest, I'm not hugely happy with this, most of the pictures don't fit and just seems... off.
So I'm just gona post pictures. I don't care. I'll try and 'scale' them but they will no doubt be bigger than it's britches.

Either way, I can't be bothered to change it anymore so I've decided to leave it as it is.

Although black, this is not emo.
I guess I'm fighting a winless battle here, but I'm going to continue.

It's an 'emo-ish' design, but by no means is this meant to be emo.

Anyway, hope you guys like the design, because I don't.

Also, all my blog links got wiped, so if your blog doesn't seem to be in the blog list, don't fret, just tell me, I'll put it up.

Promise.

toothpastefordinner.com

Emo-licious

2007-11-05T20:22:00.000+13:00

This is for a little buddy all the way out in the big T.
Stop being emo.
It doesn't help you get girls.

Also, to Rob-chan, if you read this, this is actually not an emo post.
Well at least I don't feel it's the case.

So bloody emo...
You know, I hate this emo fad.
In a global perspective, it doesn't help anything.

Please tell me, what does being emo do for the world?
Actually, what does it do for you?

It doesn't help the economy.
It doesn't help politics.
It doesn't solve world hunger.
It doesn't pay me.

It doesn't help life.

Oh wait, it does one thing for the world.

Annoy the fuck out of it.

Ok, actually I'm not emo right now at all.
I'm just fucking pissed off.

Missing one

2007-11-05T16:08:00.000+13:00

I feel odd.
I'm updating my blog when there is still light outside.

I've never done that before.
But I feel like I should seeing as I missed yesterday.

When I leave one dungeon, I enter another.
My world is a revolving dungeon.

Out one, in another.

EDIT:
Ok, I really should just stick to my late night blogging.

Mum found some fireworks I bought home years ago. I mean like... 3-4 years ago.
Brings back memories really.

So we lit them.
Scary.

Yes, they're crap photos.
Use your imagination.

I'll help you.
Weeeeeeeeeeee! BOOM!

Potluck

2007-11-03T00:12:00.001+13:00

So I don't really have much to say today.
Spamming my blog is kinda what I feel I should do now.

This made me smile.

Game Of The Year

2007-11-02T23:37:00.000+13:00

Four times in a row.
Give me a bloody medal, I'm on fire.

So I went to uni today.
What a surprise

Low and behold, Rob-san/Ichigo was there.
He was playing the "Game of the Year" (Maxted, 2007)

WolfQuest.

Wolf fucking Quest.
A wolf who fucking quests for shit and talks to other wolves.

Here is the wolf colliding with a tree.

So here's some screenshots of the sheer joy we are having watching AND playing this tripe.
As you can see, the game's graphics is on par with a game made approximately 8 years ago.

It has nice ambient sounds.

But that's all it has.

Here's the wolf biting ass.
This can be quite a good analogy for the game itself....

It bites.
Ass.

Oh yes, and when low on life, the Elk fight back.
This still screenshot has about the same excitement as if it was moving.

Rating: 5/5 piles of crap. Elk crap.

On a side note:

As I write this, fireworks explode around me.
Slightly symbolic of what I have to say and feel.

I hate that place.
I've never hated anywhere more than that place.
I have so much unbridled hatred building up which just infuriates me even more.
All it does is invoke more burning rage in which I have no control over.
The mere mention of the place consumes my soul.
It puzzles me why people go to somewhere so vile.

It puzzles me.

ttyl

2007-11-02T00:20:00.000+13:00

So, it's been another day at uni. Same old
And by the way, Fahad sits like a wack job, legs bent in all weird contortionist positions.

"...I need you like a heart needs a beat..."
Random interjection, ignore this.

My car has hit 101000 km.
Down goes the worth...

It's a weird feeling to lift the foot off the pedal, but everyone else seems to gas it.
You all have the same finish line, yet mine has been stretched longer.
Should I put the foot down? Or should I cruise to the end?

I think this is probably why I haven't posted for a while, I don't really have much to say. Although I have posted three days in a row.

They've been three crap uneventful days.

on&on

2007-10-31T22:55:00.000+13:00

I'm posting on consecutive days.

OH EM JEE

Woke up to the sound of construction. If you can see above the fence there's a steamroller like thing hooning down my street. He continually went up and down my street. Then up and down the next street.

What a life.

I pull out of my garage to this.
Slightly off putting, but I guess there nothing like trying to control your speed once you pull out.

This guy on the right looked and dressed like Peter.
I'm PRETTY sure it wasn't him

Pretty sure...

Night Owl

2007-10-30T21:37:00.000+13:00

Yea yea yea...

Make a new post. I heard you.

Seems like I've given up on the 'post up a snippet of a song' idea.
I may revive it, probably not.

So it's been a month since I posted anything.
And to be honest, I don't think anything has really happened in this month.

Really.

Sucks to be this guy (Ironman) but hey, don't we all feel like that sometimes.

robsmells

Also....
Have you ever heard of insurance that you can 'endlessly' claim on and the premiums never go up?

I think you're running into a hack insurance company.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

H.B.B

2007-10-01T01:44:00.000+13:00

It's a disease taking over our city.
Our country.

Our planet.

You may know many people who have been affected by this... cancer, no, you WILL know people who have been affected by this.
You may have been the unknowingly doing it.
You maybe doing it now.

No matter what, everyone's lives have been affected by this.

Everyone.
There is no exception

Stop this now.
Mend your ways. Seek help.
Donate money. Volunteer. Clean dogs, walk children.
Do whatever it takes.

Don't let it spread.
The onus is on you.

H.B.B

DISCLAIMER
This has been a fictional encounter.
Please do not take this seriously.
I will not be held responsible for your actions.

Arigatou

2007-09-16T02:04:00.000+12:00

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed

So it seems like it's been another week since I wrote anything.

This is pretty much how my week was.
Class.
Tedious.
I like panoramic photos.

There was some major fog when I was driving home a few days ago.
Yes.
Driving in the fog, while taking a photo.
Classic.

It was Amy's and Ray's 'slightly late' birthday celebration.
We had steamboat which was fun.
I haven't had that much fun for a while, thanks all.
Was good food with good company, brilliant.

And a cake shaped as a treasure chest.

Epic.

THEN...
It was our 2 year anniversary.
Again, we celebrated this late due to so much going on last week.

We ate at Gion, anyone been there?
It was really good, food was fan-freaking-tastic.

We got sashimi.
Free snapper head!

Taking photos of sticker photos is probably a bad idea.
But I think you get the picture.

harhar, get the pun?

I really have less and less meaningful things to say.
My mind is stirring with pointless thoughts that contaminate the pure and fragile.
I feel the real me slipping away behind the facade of a sleep-deprived face.

I need sleep.

Cut me loose

2007-09-06T17:00:00.000+12:00

Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I’m on my way back down again
Stood on a bridge, tied to the noose
Sick to the stomach
You can say what you mean
But it won’t change a thing
I’m sick of the secrets
Stood on the edge, tied to a noose
You came along and you cut me loose

So, I got nothing to talk about this time.

Slow week... should be my holidays.
But I haven't had one.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

The Pretender

2007-08-28T02:10:00.000+12:00

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

I haven't really posted lately have I?
I'm becoming slack when I should be getting geared up.

One a side note, I've noticed an increase in silly novelty items in the house.

Kind of odd that my mum buys all this crap.
But she's always been like that.

On a second side note, Happy Birthday Casey.
We never gave you a present because it's on its way.
Be worried.

Crazy noodle serves hot milk tea in a tea cup... like actual tea.
Tasted like normal English tea too.

Except it had pearls.

This is me trying to take a night photo with my phone camera of the road.
I like the blur, lets you imagine what I was taking a photo of.

I've become less... thinky in my posts.
More picturesque.

Am I dumbing down?

Fantasy Stock Exchange

2007-08-20T23:47:00.001+12:00

You're leaving so soon
Never had a chance to bloom
But you were so quick
To change your tune
Don't look back
If I'm a weight around your neck
Cos if you don't need me
I don't need you

So, everyone's leaving?
It seems to be the grand scheme of things as of late.
First one to leave, or at least have a going-away party was Amy's friend, Fuz.
No, that's not a cover name to protect her privacy, it's what she's called.

Good luck for Canada, have fun, don't stress and bring me back something nice.

You better.....

I have no photos of you, or at least any that I can link to, so count yourself lucky!
Jesse, on the other hand, I have a few photos of.

So, you're leaving for Taiwan, huh.
Being a PhD guy, huh.
Don't forget us. Three years is a long time.

We may harasses you, we may annoy you, we may even try and make you cry.

~~But that's coz we care.~~
Omg... that's so gross and sappy. Scratch that.

Sucks to be you.
And sucks to be on my blog.

After a night of... awful, awful karaoke. Man I hate it.
Never been much of a singer...

And then the next day....

Was just like this...
For the entire day. All study.

Well not all study. (Fooooooood)

Nice.

Rescue

2007-08-18T23:48:00.000+12:00

Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
Ill be watching you

It's funny how you plan one thing, and life throws your another plan.
I had planned an entire day of study.

Yet spent most of it doing other things. Like waiting behind this Evo.

Actually a funny thing we saw today.
Some interior designers were moving this mattress in a ute-type vehicle along Greenlane East today.
It had no cover.
It was raining.
It was windy.
It wasn't tied down. At all.

Recipe for funny.

Wind picked the rain soaked mattress and flung it back towards the car behind it.
Now we were behind the ute, but luckily in the other lane.
I think the car behind it actually ran the mattress over.

Owned.

It's hard... no let me rephrase, it's impossible to see the two goth kids in the middle of this picture, but trust me, they were there.
They tried to order McD's from Shell.

McD's.... from a Shell.

Good one.

Timeskip

2007-08-16T23:51:00.000+12:00

I can't sleep tonight
Everybody's saying everything is alright
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all of these lights
Sunny days, where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong

So all in all today was a pretty crappy day.
Not because of what happened but more of what the environment was like.

Everyone is thinking the same.
"Let's drive", "It's raining, let's drive".
And so we hit traffic. As you can see, the bus to the left is the one I'm meant to catch to uni.

I didn't catch it.

Then I had to wait for what seemed an eternity till the next bus came.
Listening to punkass high school kids are funny.

I never knew that all the bus companies were loaded.
The one I caught had like 4 cameras placed all around the bus.
The point?
I really don't see past the novelty of it really.
The screen at the front shows ... the other passengers.

Sweet.
I see the back of the dude's head from where I'm sitting.
I wonder what the front looks like?? *sarcasm*

So now I know why the prices were raised.

For cameras.

Wow.
Class is boring.
Many people didn't understand crap.

But that's because not many people were listening.
I was asleep but was awake enough to take that photo.

Of someone asking a question.

Working Diligently

Before tutoring.... sigh

Doriya!
It was surprisingly small, but fulling.
Man, we ate like white people, I think it threw everyone off.

White man food at a korean place.
How broken is that.

A very tasty broken that is.

I think Ted's gay for me aye.
I'm flattered, really I am.

But I'm sure you'll find a guy who is more.... well gay.

Goodluck Ted.

Roger, Over and Out.

2007-08-15T00:44:00.000+12:00

She says its cold outside and she hands me my raincoat
Shes always worried about things like that
She says its all gonna end and it might as well be my fault
And she only sleeps when its raining
And she screams and her voice is straining

So it's getting kinda late again.
Time for another post I guess.

Not much has happened lately really.
This week I only have 1 lecture. Only 1 lecture.

Minuscule.

But then again I have to be at uni for 4 days because I'm tutoring.
Brilliant.

For some reason this week has been quite... slow-paced.
This is highly peculiar for a postgrad student like myself. Since the beginning of the year I have not known this pace. Maybe I'm missing something?

I tend to do that alot.

On a side note, when we were going back to uni, we saw ... an odd sight.
This dude has 4 huge as mofo aerials on his car.

And another picture from slanted passenger seat window.

Pretty pointless huh.

Maybe he wants better reception? ............... from satellites.......

External Threats

2007-08-13T01:07:00.000+12:00

Lines ever more unclear
Not sure I'm even here
The more I look the more I think that I'm
Starting to disappear

So this is how I filled my weekend.
Reading.
How wonderful.

While moving... but you can't really tell.

I really should stop taking photos when I'm driving...
Bad habit.
But I guess in a way it's a nice way to 'focus' on driving while taking the tediousness of it out!
I'm a boy genius.

So I spent another un-needed day at uni for the ever surmounting work that piles around me.
More reading.
It's quite funny how I've done so much reading, yet, my reading skills are still on par with a 10 year old with reading deficiencies.

Surprised Raymond shot.
Even I was surprised when this came out so good.

"To Enter This Blog Go To The Rear Door Facing Registry Blog"

I'm not hugely too sure of what to make of this.
What becomes of the broken hearted?
Or more precisely, what becomes of the other half?

One is utterly depressed, whereas the other has moved on.
Should you feel sorrow for one and scold the other for moving so quickly?
Or should you ignore the depressed and let the other be?

That is true, one should not have moved on so quickly. Makes them look... whorey.
Never a good look.
But when has he or anyone ever listened to me.

Or anyone else for that matter.

I've been told we shouldn't let him off this lightly.
But what can we really do?
Scold him, he runs off to his guy mates and consoles with them.
Ignore him, and it seems like we're condoning his actions.

I end on some more driving shots. The last one was particularly crap.

Good job BJ.

Midnight Mind Traffic

2007-08-11T01:17:00.000+12:00

In my dreams I'm dying all the time
Then I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie

I don't quite know.
I've been busy lately so I haven't been ~~bothered~~ up to posting here.
Assignments, tests, dissertation problems, the lot really.
Good old staying up till 3am doing assignment work. Can't say I miss it, but can't say I'm seeing the last of it.

So, what do you want?
I've had a comment that this blog is somewhat.... for a lack of a better word, "emo".
I do slightly agree with that, so this is why I've decided on a change of style in this post. It's not going to be emo.

I'm going to describe my drive back home tonight.

It was awesome. I actually like driving at night when there's little people. Maybe its the solitude. The quiet. The speed I can excessively go on straight roads.

This picture looked alot more cooler on my phone. I tried to take a steady photo while I was driving and it looked like there was awesome speed line effects going on. It seems like it's just blur. And the night.

Again, this looked cooler on my phone. The light effect given off by the oncoming traffic really pushed the limits of my phone... because the limits are pretty low. And I was moving.

Probably the worst combination of conditions when taking a phone camera photo.

As seen from this photo it shows that I can actually take a decent night photo. That's when I'm not moving. This dude in front was picking his nose the whole time. I was following him for about 3 km's and he was still going hard when I overtook him. Must be alot of snot.

And into the garage. My car's underbelly scratches every time I drive in. It doesn't help that sometimes I go slightly too fast. SCCRAAACCCCHHHHHHHH.

And finally my last port of call before going inside. Inside to a house which is "colder than outside" (Johnston, 2007)

And so that was my emotional drive home.
Packed filled with adventure, romance, action, drama and even some horror.

See?
This is what happens when I post a "non-emo" blog entry.
I think posts are usually done when you have something to complain/nag about.
Rarely do you come across a blog which people post articles of awesomeness or news of good-fun.

Also, we found this note on the floor to someone yesterday night.
Someone loves you, someone.

I don't remember the names.

It was gone today.
Must've ended badly.

Republic of Ignorance

2007-08-06T01:14:00.001+12:00

I ain't got no money
I ain't got no car to take you on a date
I can't even buy you flowers
But together we could be the perfect soulmates
Talk to me girl

So another weekend has come and gone.
Pretty eventful though.

DV8 was on Friday.
Busy night, spent most of it looking for people, standing and dancing.
The venue wasn't bad, was cool that there was escalators.

I would have taken photos, but I forgot so check Senbonzakura's site for photos

I don't really have much to say this time round.

Uni is starting to get busy again.
Same old really.

Apparently I've lost weight.
But I'm a fatty... how does that work?

Ok I'm gona put up a ToDo list for this week.

Finish my Stats/IS assignment
Study for my Stats/IS test
Write a big ass questionnaire for my dissertation
Read/Fill out my contract
~~Relax~~

I wonder how well I'll do completing this list....

Archaic

2007-08-03T19:16:00.000+12:00

I pack my case, I check my face
I look a little bit older
I look a little bit colder
With one deep breath, and one big step
I move a little bit closer, I move a little bit closer
For reasons unknown..

Have you ever been so angry that it hurts>
That it actually physically hurts?

My chest hurts.

It aches.

Jungle Curry

2007-08-03T00:11:00.000+12:00

You're leaving so soon
Never had a chance to bloom
But you were so quick
To change your tune
Don't look back

So it seems like everyone's starting to find their little place in the world.
People are starting to decide what to do or actually go off and do what they want.

Here is one of them now.
Chetan "The Darkness" is going off to become a 'Teachers Assistant' over in Japan and we had a farewell dinner tonight.

This is most of us in a horribly blurred photo.
Actually I lie. This is about half.

Went to a Mai Thai which won some award for something.
Was pretty good, food wasn't bad and was fun all in all.
Too much spam but you can blame Hitesh for that.

Ray's flaming homo chicken

I learnt another thing about myself today.
I have the impulsive need to hate on what others like.

Weird huh.

I found myself annoying someone today about random stuff they liked.
I also had the nerve to not back down from a fight even though I was horribly losing.

Stubborn like a dried piece of crap.
Don't you hate that?

Also tonight I'm hating on people who can't take a joke.
Yes. I can take it abit too far sometimes. But it's all in good fun. No harm meant by it.

Calm down.

Maybe

2007-08-02T00:23:00.000+12:00

Haven’t we all had enough
Enough for one day
I don’t wanna argue with you
You’ve got me shiverin’ in my spine

So this is a relatively new part to my blog, I think (until I get bored of it or just plain forget).
I'm gona chuck up partial lyrics for a song at the beginning of each post.
Ten points for anyone who can guess it.

And no, points are not redeemable for... well anything.

It maybe profound. It may not.
It maybe thought provoking. It may not.
It maybe personal.

And then again, it may not.

I feel myself just... getting angry at most things nowadays.
My soul has lost patience with most things in life.

I have even less enthusiasm for things than before. I find it hard to take things and smile through gritted teeth just to pass the day.
I find myself ever increasingly tired and although I have an early class the next day, I can't sleep.
My mind wanders as if I should be thinking about something else, but my physical body just doesn't respond.

My mum asked me why I always 'Fat Ow Dou' now. (That's horrible Cantonese direct translation). For all you non-Cantonese people, or just plain "can't read his horrible translation"-people, it means like absent-minded.

On a completely different side note, my brother got a bra+knicker set for his birthday.
From another dude.
Hmmm....

Also I found myself watching TV for once.
I haven't done that for so long, it kinda just hit me.

On another side note, I saw something that kinda lightened my drizzly bus-waiting day.
There was this old white/Spanish lady with a bag saying 'G-Unit' on it.
Whaddup my homie.

I'm not sure if you can read it though.

Also today was filled with the joys of seeing people cram themselves into a building to become the latest job prospects in life and offer themselves to the company gods and hope for the best.
Good old Career Fairs.

Oh yea, there was free pizza and drink.
Here is the chaos that ensued.

On the left of both pictures is Fahad by the way.
He was the King of Scab today.
Free stuff galore for him. Pens, drinks, whatever he could get his hands on.
Once he left, the pizza came. Coincidence?

I think not.

He has a business card.
I really don't think someone who scabs so blatantly really shows the responsibility to hold one of these...

But hey, it's not my money he's using to print his mis-aligned cards with.

He's too young for words of wisdom

2007-07-31T00:27:00.000+12:00

So it's been one week of uni already and it starts again tomorrow

I feel life is taking a weird spin on things and making everything move slow so you feel like next week will be forever yet fast enough so that you never seem to have enough time to do anything

Back in more simple days, I used to think I would never grow up, just be a big kid for the rest of my life.
But things change.
Yes, I know what you're thinking, "that's so cliche.... why is he using that? moron..."

But it's hit on me, no, rather its slowly dawned on me, that what's in the past, stays in the past.
And although I tend to dwell and stick to the past like Ray on Trademe, I know doing it does nothing.

You could be looking back so much that you're not looking at your future or even what you have now.

But then again, you can't forget the past.
That's as silly as dwelling on it.

So I'm guessing you're wondering.
Can you win this fateful game?

No.
Don't play the game.

You're going to strikeout, get run out, get tackled, mauled, tripped, fouled, penalised, and lose.
But without losing, how do you know what winning feels like?

High and Mighty

2007-07-30T00:29:00.000+12:00

So it's been another weekend and again... I've done no work
I've become very slack, previously when I didn't do work, I would start to panic/stress

None of that now.
I must have lost my mind along the way.

Should I even bother anymore?
Is there an end goal?

As a sign that I wasn't doing anything, I watched the Simpsons movie today.
Really good movie aye, really funny watch.
Highly recommended

On a side note:
I can say I'm quite a modest person, I don't really try to talk myself up or anything, I try to just keep below the radar.
But don't you hate those people who think they're all 'high and mighty' and blatantly think they're better than you, no, everyone.

Is it fair?