To Amble About

I'm absolutely knackered right now.
My brain isn't working, I've had very little sleep and still have that nagging cold.

Went to Henry's going away thing last night.
He got a position in Singapore, that's pretty sweet. Good luck to him.

It was on a new-ish place on K'Rd called Stoners, I went there last time.
It was nice to see all those people again, I hadn't hung around them for... years actually.
It's funny how people don't really change after you see them years later.
Funny how small the world is too.

I dunno, I said I'd go there just for abit and then go.
But it doesn't seem to work like that anymore... It's either no drinking or I get smashed.
I don't know why.

Maybe I feel I can drink my problems away or maybe I just want forgot about everything.

I also saw a mate who just pretty much just got up from Taraunga and his crew.
I hung around them for a while, I think by this time everything was abit blurry and I didn't really know what was happening, I just remember trying to calm one of them down who was raging at the time.
Imagine trying to calm down a short stocky boxing type.

Not easy.

We ended up cabbing somewhere else and in the cab, Will was telling me bout stuff that was getting me real depressed. It wasn't malicious or anything and there was no ill-intent, it was the truth.
When we got outa the cab, I just left, didn't think I could handle really.

I just ended up drunkenly walking the city by myself in the wee hours of the morning for a few hours.

I decided in my infinite wisdom while walking back to my car, to take a photo.
I guess it kinda shows how... stable I was.

Withstanding

So I believe I may have really bad luck.

I have a buggered back that still kinda keeps me up at night and could possibly take months to heal.

But I guess I thought that wasn't enough of a challenge. No.

It's too minor stuff.

So I decided to get a cold as well. A raging one that feels like it's grinding my throat with a belt sander. My head is all light as well, sign of a great cold which gives me that extra disadvantage that I thought I must have.

That should do it right? I'm severely disadvantaged enough that it seems like a struggle just to get out of bed.

But wait there's more.

I thought eating and drinking was too easy so I thought I'd develop some ulcers in my mouth as well.

Haha life is absolutely PEACHY right now.

I'm drained, I don't have the energy for this.

Onto a commercial break. This has been stuck in my head lately.

Let me hold you for the last time

It's the last chance to feel again

But you broke me, now I can't feel anything

When I love you and so untrue

I can't even convince myself

When I'm speaking it's the voice of someone else

Oh, it tears me up

I tried to hold on but it hurts too much

I tried to forgive but it's not enough

To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings

You can't feel anything

That your heart don't want to feel

I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse

How can I give anymore

When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, what are we doing?

We are turning into dust

Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire

When there's nothing left to say

It's like chasing the very last train

When it's too late, too late

Oh, it tears me up

I tried to hold on but it hurts too much

I tried to forgive but it's not enough

To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings

You can't feel anything

That your heart don't want to feel

I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse

How can I give anymore

When I love you a little less than before?

But we're running through the fire

When there's nothing left to say

It's like chasing the very last train

When we both know it's too late, too late

You can't play our broken strings

You can't feel anything

That your heart don't want to feel

I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh, the truth hurts and lies worse

So how can I give anymore

When I love you a little less than before?

Oh, you know that I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time

It's the last chance to feel again

One Wish

So I believe I've been drinking abit too much lately.
Now anyone who really knows me, knows I'm pretty lightweight. Rosey red blush after a sip.

Why did I just mention that? No idea. I just thought of that now.
I think I might just be trying to find something to blame for my backpain because I don't really want to blame the real problem.

Myself.

Who really wants to blame themselves for inflicting pain on... err themselves.


I was searching through my work bag today and found something abit unexpected.
It was one of these charms I got given not long ago that was made in a temple and was blessed etc.
"Grants you one wish" or something along those lines was the 'power' bestowed on it.

It's kinda funny.
I made a wish at the time on this charm, knowing that it wouldn't come true, but ever so 'wishing' it would.

Does that even count?

Making a wish you know can't happen? Does it go against some heavenly creed that states that wishes made on charms passed to mortals need to be wishes that CAN be granted?

Does that mean I can make another wish? Or has the 'wishing' power gone?
Either way I don't think I'll be revoking my wish.

I think this song kinda ... fits though.

Damn baby
Just don't understand where we went wrong
I gave you my heart
I gave you my soul
I gave you...

As a matter of fact I was the one who said I love you first
It was about eight years ago, don't act like you don't know
We were sittin' at home in your mama's livin' room
Cause, we couldn't be alone
See your mama knew I was something else, she knew how I felt
Back then we were in school; and that's your favourite excuse
Growin' up I was a fool; and I can't lie I'm missing you
Listen and don't trip
I think I need a bottle with a genie in it
Here's my wish list

First one, I would create a heart changing love
Second one, I'll take yours and fill it all the way up
Third one, but I don't need a lot of wishes cause I'll be okay if I get one

If I had one wish, we would be best friends
Love would never end, it would just begin
If I had one wish, you would be my boo
Promise to love you, trust me I'll trust you
If I had one wish, we would run away
Making love all day, have us a baby
If I had one wish, I'd make you my whole life
And you'd be my wife, make it right this time

If I had one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish

Now tell me is this the only way I can get you right back in
If so then searchin' I'll go, then I can have you for sho
Then you'll be loving me, holding me, kissing me
So girl don't tell me what I'm feeling is make believe
I swear if I lose a second chance with you
I wouldn't know what to do
I'd probably check myself into some kind of clinic
I couldn't be alone because without you I'm sick
Here's my wish list

First one, I would create a heart changing love
Second one, I'll take yours and fill it all the way up
Third one, but I don't need a lot of wishes cause I'll be okay if I get one

If I had one wish, we would be best friends
Love would never end, it would just begin
If I had one wish, you would be my boo
Promise to love you, trust me I'll trust you
If I had one wish, we would run away
Making love all day, have us a baby
If I had one wish, I'd make you my whole life
And you'd be my wife, make it right this time
If I had one wish

I don't even know how we ended upon this road
And, even though we are grown, Girl I just want you to know

If I had one wish, we would be best friends
Love would never end, it would just begin
If I had one wish, you would be my boo
Promise to love you, trust me I'll trust you
If I had one wish, we would run away
Making love all day, have us a baby
If I had one wish, I'd make you my whole life
And you'd be my wife, make it right this time

It's odd I'm putting so much music up lately. I'm actually listening to it alot more than usual I think as well.
I've always had a thing for music. To me, it's meant to mean something, signify something deeper than the beats it makes, more intricate than the lyrics sung and even more pure than the white of the paper its written on.
I've been really listening alot to my music collection lately. No one left in the office to talk to as much now really... But the collection, it's 'eclectic' to say the least. I'm getting kinda sick of it though.

It all means something to me. Every song has a memory to it. Has a thought linked to it. Has an emotion, a dream or an ideal that somehow my warped and twisted mind has conjured and tacked to it.

I want to look for a new watch. I haven't used one for a while and the lack of timekeeping is throwing me off. The last watch I have is ... well still in Taiwan time. It's not that I'm too lazy to change it, its just... well, again in my warped and twisted mind, I've associated it to something and decided to leave it as such. The time where it was my last chance, even though there was little hope of having a chance anyway. The last time I actually felt whole and even 'loved'. Cheesy aye?

But isn't it a reminder? Good idea to do this? Probably not, but when have I ever been known to have good ideas.

Yesterday we went to the Armageddon expo thing. It's kinda gone downhill from the days I went ages back but to be honest, kids are dazzled easily by the smallest things. I felt like the oldest person there even though I obviously wasn't. Although when we went to see Seth Green and Michael Winslow, it was anything but for kids.

I saw an unexpected face there too. I went to say hi and she ended up giving me some food. She's running a stall after all so I guess it comes with the territory.
It makes things harder when they're so nice to me. I feel like its a world I'm leaving behind really even though I really want to be part of it.

Sorry about the very incoherent post.
It's just the process of regurgitation that does this really.
I think I'll just end it then. Better than just going on and on.
Until next bat-time.


At least she's happy.

Relapse

So I've buggered myself again.
Apparently the disc has... jutted out abit more rather than healing.

So I'm back to the pain of the first week of buggering myself and can't tie my shoelaces again.
I'm lucky I have laceless shoes...

Anyway, who would've guessed that I would be classed in the 20% that don't heal in 6 weeks.
Ha. Ha.

So I guess another few months of hobbling? Eh, I'm used to it now.
I'm like the pro cripple.

Back to my stretches. The ones that make me look like I'm making 'business time' with the ground. And yes, the live one is more awesome than the not-so-live one.

define: resolve

I'm gona do a 'Senbonzakura' and paste a music vid.

I heard this song today and even though I've listened to it endlessly yonks back, I actually listened to it properly this time and... it makes sense.
This actually has some significance even though I really like the Foo Fighters, it's a posting that really means something to me now, not just music.
Funny now that I watch the vid again, it actually make even MORE sense, haha.

Foo Fighters, why do you read my mind?

Something that I felt today, something that I heard
Swingin' from the chandeliers, hanging on your word
I remember watchin' you, once upon a time

Dancing from across the room, in another life

A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how
A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how

Lookin' back to find my way, never seemed so hard
Yesterday's been laid to rest, changing of the guard
I would never change a thing, even if I could
All the songs we used to sing, everything was good

A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how
A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how

One more year that you're not here has gone and passed you by
What happened to you, what happened to you?
One more tear that you won't hear has gone and passed you by
What happened to you, what happened to you?

A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how
A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how

A little bit of resolve
One more year that you're not here
Has gone and passed you by (A little bit of resolve)
A little bit of resolve
One more year that you're not here
Has gone and passed you by (A little bit of resolve)

At First Sight

So, I buggered up my blog.
Template must've expired or something I dunno... either way I've reverted to a 'default' blogspot one.

Yay.

Anyway, I'm not going to decorate this blog with my normal colours and styling, I don't think it really needs it. This doesn't need to be 'glorified', its something that has quite simply changed my life.

One concept.

Who here, if anyone is actually here, believes in love?
Not the love you have for your family or the feeling towards your cat, but love love.
True love.

That feeling you get with that significant other, the butterflies, the cold sweats, the weak knees, stammering speech, that generally uncomfortable feeling that you can't really get enough of.
The one where you look back and grin at fondly.

I don't.

Well, not anymore.
Stung hard? Possibly. I've just had alot of time to question what it all really means. What do people put themselves through, the effort they put in, the time, money, blood, sweat and tears.
All for this feeling of 'love'.

What is love really? All it is, if you break it down, is a reaction of chemicals between two people. A reaction.

How romantic.
When you think about it, it's silly really. I mean, we go out of our way to do things for this feeling, just for another 'hit' of this reaction.
Or do we do this because of the reaction? I'm not going to argue about chickens and eggs, but the pure existence of it in the first place.
Its a concept of the mind, one invented by humans themselves to try and comfort themselves into thinking there are other random people out there that care about you in such a way that you can't conviniently explain.

I thought I had it in bucketloads. I thought it was reciprical. I thought it was 'everlasting'.
Key word is 'thought'.

I also believed in 'love at first sight'. Anyone else believe this?
I don't anymore.
I really thought it was true, I mean, I experienced it. That moment will stay with me forever.

But now that I think about it, it was silly. How does that even occur. There is no logical explanation.

Lets say you believe in love, can it be lost? Does it fade? Does it just... disappear?
And why? How?
These have never really made sense to me. How does a 'reaction' fade? How does it just diminish over time? Does one concept, one 'reaction', need to be so complicated?

How has something complicated, become so fundamental to our lives?
I for one, have revoked this concept. It has confused me so much that I will forever question my future about this. And now I don't believe it.

How can I?