I am Tom Hansen

I finally watched 500 Days of Summer after being bugged about being the only person who hasn't watched it.
I was told I could probably relate to the movie.

Wow.

You know when I said I had that 'strike of lightning' moment with the song I posted before?
This is the movie version of that 'strike'.

It's really sticks with you when the narrator makes comments about the characters in the movie, but you can completely relate to every word said.
You can place yourself in the exact position and, barring the environment difference, be the character. I totally felt like Tom.

Odd.

There were so many moments where I felt myself welling up, not for the character, but for my relation to the situation.

Fate?
Coincidence?
True Love?

I'm blown away.

I guess I'm still looking for my "Autumn".

P.S. I'm probably gona post my Movember pic next post. Wait for a mo-tastic post.

Best Part of Me

I had some weird... 'lightning strike my head' situation before.
I was listening to the radio before and heard the below song.

I have their album and maybe... 6 months ago I had it on loops for yonks.
I just kept listening to it coz I liked the music.

But now... when I heard it on the radio, I actually listened to the lyrics.
I mean, I knew the lyrics before... but now I actually LISTENED to them.

And again, for the umptenth time, music has somehow described my life.

Accurately.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I suppose to do
When the best part of me was always you and
What am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I suppose to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break, no it don't breakeven, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're okay

I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven)

Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no
Oh, it don't breakeven, no

How I Met Your Mother

So I'm still in constant pain which sucks.
I only really getting about max 4 hours a night sleep then wake up with constant pain.
Insomnias not a problem but when you just can't sleep coz your whole leg and back hurts, it's pretty depressing.

6 - 8 weeks.

I was cleaning out my old phone over the weekend to give to my mum to use, the cool white one that displayed stuff on the front external 'screen'.
I went through the phone and was looking through and deleting all the texts incase I had something important in one.

400ish texts. Thats alot to go through.

Its funny how it reminds you of all the good times and bad times you've had also how we all live in such a technologically dependant world. Everything we do is recorded. Whatever we do is linked to some device, blog, electronic etc.

I was reading some texts I got about a year ago. Do you ever wonder how when people say "I'd never do that to you" or something along those lines, using such a... 'final' word like "never", that they can't actually mean it?
I mean, you say it then, it makes you feel better, but really, isn't it just... delaying the truth?

If you think about it, 'never' is such a long time. Time changes things.

You don't mean it anymore.

It made me quite sad going through the texts about the time when a special someone was leaving.
It brought back alot of memories and kinda makes me wonder now, how did it all change?
Words said so easily I guess just don't really mean much now.

I saw the end of an episode of "How I Met Your Mother" when we were over watching the All Whites.
I dunno why, but it kinda stuck with me.

At the end, Ted (the main char) chases his ex-fiancee to rage at her because she left him for her ex and that shes made the wrong decision and that he was the best thing that happened to her.

"You're just going to regret this. You know that, right? You are going to regret this, and now there is nothing you can do about it, because it's too late. All you can do now is go up there and start your crappy, disappointing life that will never be as happy as the one you could have had with me. Look, I am not here to win you back. I am here because I need to you that you know you made the biggest mistake of your life."

Brilliant speech Ted.

But he didn't say it after seeing her with the new husband all happy like.
He was content to just let it go.

I can kind of relate to that but that's pretty vain of me.
But there are some things its best for your own good to believe.

I wonder if I can let go?

We're Going Down

I've been going acupuncture a few times now and I'm not entirely sure what I think about it.

I mean... there's 2 ways to look at it.
I could be naturally healing, irrespective of the acupuncture, I could be healing at a normal pace.
Or it could be helping me heal, I might not be healing this fast without it.
I dunno.

It's hard to say really and the way I look at it, if you don't believe it, it's not going to work.
At this point in time, if jumping around naked chanting ancient words around a bonfire will work, I'll do it... this is probably the worst pain I've been in.

I don't know if I've actually explained whats wrong with me.
Long story short, I've torn something in a disc. This has caused the insides of the disc to protrude out into my spine and nudge against the nerves in my back.
So essentially the part of the body which controls all the feeling going down to my right foot is affected.
Therefore = movement in back/right leg = stabbing pain.

I'm still taking abit of painkillers and muscle relaxants though... maybe that's helping as well?
But at least I've FINALLY had a night of unbroken sleep.

For about 3 months now, I haven't had one good nights sleep.
If it isn't insomnia, it's nightmares, if it isn't that, I'm just not tired.
It's worse this last week since as part of the insomnia/nightmares throw in a mix of CONSTANT STABBING PAIN while trying to sleep and lets just say... I've seen 3 - 7 am on my clock way too much.
I think I was lucky I didn't move in my sleep last night to irritate my nerves.

I've continued the firecupping stuff too.
I literally have lines of bruises on my back. Three times more than in the previous photo.

I just want to get better...

I continually tell myself, "it'll be ok, be optimistic etcetcetc".
It's hard.

Too many setbacks.

Life sucks.

Sexyback

So I'm pretty wasted, been off work for the last few days and just laying down on my front because it hurts too much laying on my back, sitting or standing.

So essentially everything.

I can easily say, I have never experienced anything this painful before, so constantly, not even when I broke something in my foot.

So running out of solutions that seem to help, I've decided to go Acupuncture. Now I have nothing against it really, I just don't understand it but I know alot of people who swear by it.

So I got jabbed by a bunch of needles in the lower back and leg (about 12?), each about 10cm long. I just lay there for about ... an hour with the needles in my body. Oh, she also decided to light some of them on fire and hook some up to an electropulse machine. She then put a massive heater above me.

Funny feeling really.

Parts of my body was pulsing, some parts were hot, my whole body was really warm from the heater and I was sweating.

After this it was decided it was best to get me to do some fire cupping as well. I have huge weird marks on my back now, it was this weird sucking feeling. Not painful at all.

There's more marks, but it would make the photo abit more x-rated.

So here's hoping that I will get better or at least be able to stand/sit/sleep. Actually since I've been writing this blog, I've gotten up and walked around maybe 4 or 5 times coz my leg hurts way too much.

Neurofen is my friend lately, not good seeing as the recommendation is not to take them for more than 3 days and 6 pills a day which... I don't think I've been following.

Sigh... I feel so broken.

Someone told me this recently, "If you love something, let it go."

That really doesn't make any sense whatsoever so I decided to look for the actual saying.

I found... "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."

Haha. I wonder how true that is. It really makes me wonder what happened to the person who thought of that quote. Are they trying to reason something that happened? I think they're just trying to shift the blame to something else.

I do hope this isn't a quote that actually is true.

I had a weirdass dream again.

I hardly sleep these days and I usually don't dream so it's kinda weird to even dream at all.

Must be the Neurofen.

I was organising my wedding (wtf indeed) with well... I think if anyone knows me, they know who with. Anyway, I was in Newmarket with her and looking for Japanese stuff (wtf x2) and for some reason I was playing with a tennis ball (wtf x3). It fell out of my hand and bounced onto Kyber Pass to the other side of the road. I remember trying to get it but couldn't because of the horrible traffic. Some dude on the other side grabbed the ball but a bus smacked the brakes to avoid hitting the guy and then the bus jackknifed. So the bus was wasted and the driver gets out all angry and chases the dude with the ball and they do a funny old school chase.

End of dream.

Odd. I need more sleep.

Personification of Murphy's Law

I feel like these last few months really haven't been very good to me.

I really try to be optimistic about it really.

There's always a silver lining.

Always....

But how do you, when your body just seems to be... failing.

I had a coughing fit earlier today. Side effect of having a cold really.

My eyes were watering, face was red, my throat is pretty rough, so dry coughs for the win.

Also dry retching. Yuss.

My body decided to have one final cough...

And that cough made my back... 'dislodge' something.

Made a nice crack noise.

Now my whole right leg is constantly hurting.

Sitting is a struggle. Walking is a struggle. I hobble alot more than before. Actually straightening my leg is a struggle.

I wonder when or if something good is actually going to happen in my life.

It's a struggle just to keep going.

:(